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3/28/11 Midnight Report: Same Shit, Different Day
The market rose for most of the day like the radiation readings from the Fukushima Dai-ichi Nuclear Power Plant (where engineers recently found plutonium in the soil which is either from the nuclear melt down or a broken flux capacitor) until it sagged in the afternoon like Dez Bryant’s shorts (and perhaps his bank account…
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2/7/11 Midnight Report: Support Levels Blown as Market Spits Out Concerns
Stocks hit their two and a half year highs today as confidence in the markets skyrockets thanks to hackers penetrating NASDAQ computers (proving if you drink enough red bull and vodka, you’ll penetrate anything), insider selling continuing to outpace insider buying at a cockposterous rate as company executives show as much faith in their businesses…
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1/19/10 Midnight Report: Market Goes Down on Earnings, Did it Swallow Idea that the Economy is Improving?
The market sold off today as earnings were more mixed than Tiger Woods’ family tree, housing data continued to remind people that double dipping can cause more than just herpes, and investors were all liquidating their portfolios to get cash to buy those 50% off Amazon coupons at Living Social in order to get in…
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12/16/10 Midnight Report: Market Reaches Two Year High, Will Data Hold an Intervention?
The market was up today as PIMCO is set to get their equity on, Fed Ex plans to deliver a fuckload of packages in the next year (even more packages than Victoria Givens took for delivery in 2004, and like all proper businesses, she required they all be delivered in the rear), and former Obama…
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11/15/10 Midnight Report: Retail Sales Rotten at the Core
A flurry of buyouts, headline-y good macro news (just don’t read the “not so” fine print), and the Fed promising to print enough dollars to make everyone a millionaire as Bernanke mimics the First Citiwide Change Bank “volume” strategy, caused investors to celebrate in the morning by doing the Dougie. However, the market slipped end…
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10/19/10 Midnight Report: 50k iPads a day won’t keep the bear market away
Timberrrrr. The market sold off today as a result of tech companies posting earnings that failed to titillate the street, China raising their interest rates to try to stave off an asset bubble that soon may be only a prick away from popping, and the rent still being too damn high. Up until now, the…
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10/13/10 Midevening Report: Even more bulls hit
Oh shit, it is on again like white on rice, stink on shit, and Black on Scholes (and for you quants, just know that Brownian motion has more than one meaning), as a flurry of blue chip companies beat earnings guesses and pushed the market higher. With the 50 day moving average now rising above…
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9/9/10 Midevening Report: Government massages new claims for unemployment data and gives the market a happy ending
The market was up again today as it continues to rejoice that there are only “widespread signs of deceleration” and not whatever is worse than widespread, like “doublewidespread” or “assawful.” The big macro news was that new claims for unemployment were out and they demolished analyst guesses of 470k by coming in at a petite…
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9/1/10 Midevening Report: Manufacture this!
Rally!!!!!!!!!! With the war in Iraq over, manufacturing data around the world showing more buoyancy than Archimedes’ “principle” in a bowl of jello, and warts finally shown to be unrelated to herpes (which means Paris Hilton now needs to look for two culprits as opposed to just one), the double dip has apparently been averted…
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8/9/10 Midafternoon Report: The (money) shot Hurd around the world
With little macro data out today, the big news in the market is that HP CEO Mark Hurd resigned due to a sexual harrassment discrimination suit that seemed to involve less sex than Bill Clinton’s bedroom (that is when Hillary is sleeping there). Apparently Hurd hid business expenses when taking out a MILF/GMILF named Jodie…