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7/27/10 Midafternoon Report: Consumers still confident the economy sucks
The market bounced around today as it tried to find a direction like scientists are trying to find the elusive “God particle” (though apparently scientists have figured out where it isn’t which includes Jane Austen’s writing, Bernie Madoff’s bank account, and Jamaica. But newsflash Einsteins, you might want to check Brooklyn Decker‘s vagina because if…
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7/21/10 Midevening Report: Market “unusually certain” that it should go down
The market was chugging right along today like a Kennedy at a sorority mixer after Apple titillated the market with sales stronger than the breath of either of the world’s foremost cunning linguists, the great Vladmir Nabokov and the greater Janine Lindemulder, until Ben Bernanke got up and threw his figurative Baby Ruth into the…
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7/19/10 Midevening Report: Stocks higher as earnings more highly anticipated than the last thing that wound up disappointing everyone
The market sagged today like a droopy catenary with a very low value of “a” or Uma Thurman on vacation, before gaining some steam in the afternoon. With earnings season started, macro data was lighter than Ben Stein’s reputation as an economist or sales of Liberace’s last book: “How not to get AIDS and die.” …
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7/13/10 Midafternoon Report: The market is AA-ok as Alcoa foils bears
The market was off to the races today as if it the races were going to feature Usain Bolt taking on Sara Jane Underwood in the 100 meter dash with the loser having to run a lap in the buff. The big news of course was that Alcoa started off the earnings season by destroying…
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7/9/2010 Midafternoon Report: Investors get excited and take off their shorts to allow long exposure to grow
It’s a quiet day newswise and thus the market is deader than the Cleveland Cavaliers as it awaits the start of earnings season next week. Dominating the news today are non-financial matters like LeBron James betraying his home town team (and Cavs owner Dan Gilbert is said to have slept with his johnson in a…
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6/22/10 Midafternoon Report: Home Un-Improvement
The market had trouble finding a direction for most of the day as news is thin and the summer is beginning so most volume is moving to the Hamptons where portfolio managers can sip on lemonade, listen to yacht rock, and denigrate the poor all while ignoring the economic data which has been so lackluster…
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6/17/10 Midafternoon Report: New claims for unemployment claim the economy still sucks
The market didn’t do much today as it tries to come down off its volatility high which was fueled by mass uncertainty, broken technical barriers, and a fuckload of pixie sticks. In macro news, new claims for unemployment were much worse than analyst guesses and also once again tested the (No) Labor Department’s ability to…
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6/8/10 Midevening Report: Bernanke speech fails to significantly rally the market, says he’ll overpromise more next time
The market was relatively quiet today as there was a lack of macro news though Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke was out late Monday saying: “My best guess is that we’ll have a continued recovery, but it won’t feel terrific like a blumpkin from Sara Varone followed by a nice wipe with that oh so soft…
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6/1/10 Midafternoon Report: Market adopts new tagline “Sell the rumor, sell the news”
Stocks bounced around today like BP’s excuses for the Gulf oil spill or like Kelly Brook’s “oil domes” while she jumps on a trampoline. Solid US economic data pushed the market in to positive territory in the morning, giving investors a slight glimmer of hope before that hope was flushed away like a 3 story…
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5/28/10 Midafternoon Report: Market falls after basque-ing in Spain’s downgrade
Money McBags has been busy so today’s report will be brief, like the Anglo-Zanzibar war of 1896 or Gary Coleman’s remaining days (what, too soon?). The market tanked again and closed down 8% for the month of May which is the worst May in 48 years which was so long ago that the Hulk comic…