Bernanke
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3/7/11 Midnight Report: Market Goes Down on Libya as Qaddafi Proves not to be a Cunning Linguist
The market sold off today as the Fed came out (not that there is anything wrong with that) and said that they are both for and against QE3 (which is as useful as a yersinia fecal transplant. And a quick side note on the whole fecal transplant as the new curative breakthrough but Money McBags…
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2/20/11 Two Day After Report: Mideasterners Continue to Shout “You Suck Dictators!”
Stocks ended higher for the third consecutive week as protests throughout the Middle East continue to spread like misinformation during a political campaign or herpes in the Kardashian household. Yemen had its 8th day of protests (and for those of you unfamiliar with Yemen, it has a 65% unemployment rate, a 59% literacy rate, and…
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2/15/11 Midnight Report: Businesses Admit They Are Feeling Inflation But Claim Inflation Likes It
The market was down today as retail sales disappointed (thanks to the weather, a little something called rampant unemployment, and everyone hoarding cash for the next generation of the fleshlight to be released), food prices continued to increase and spook investors as rising costs pushed 44MM more people in to poverty (though at least 13%…
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2/10/11 Midnight Report: Market Shrugs Off CSCO Guidance, Prefers to Buy the Rip
The S&P closed up today despite earnings more disappointing than Congressman Christopher Lee’s online dating skills (because 1. If you’re married, don’t use your real fucking email address and 2. everyone knows the easiest way to an internet girl’s heart is through a cock shot and not some weird ass old man flexing pose, so…
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2/9/11 Midnight Report: Fucking Crickets
Kind Readers, — Money McBags was out for most of the day and thus was unable to find the time to get a column up that suitably dealt with the news of the day such as Ben Bernanke’s speech before the House Budget Committee (which includes such great financial luminaries as Heath fucking Shuler, who…
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2/3/11 Midnight Report: Bernanke Says Everything is A-OK (Other than Employment, Non-Core Inflation, and Anything Else That Makes a Healthy Economy)
The market closed up again today as Ben Bernanke let the National Press Club know that either the economy is fucked, or it isn’t (Money McBags is still trying to decipher Benny B’s speech but as “blowhard” is what Money McBags’ considers a command and not a language, it may take some time), protests in…
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1/27/11 Midnight Report: S&P Touches 1300, 1300 Says it Liked it
Despite new claims for unemployment putting up the largest weekly increase since September 2005 (and you all remember September 2005, right? Alan Greenspan was still a genius, iPads were still just the truncated spelling of a sanitary napkin, and Kim Kardashian’s vagina was still underwraps (and some guy named Damon Thomas too)), despite Japan being…
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1/13/11 Midnight Report: Once Again, New Claims for Unemployment Claim the Economy Still Sucks
The market limped in to the close today as the dip buyers were somehow distracted by the jump in new claims for unemployment which were so far from analyst guesses that they were perhaps a Nassim Taleb-ian black swan (as opposed to a Natalie Portman-to-lesbian Black Swan), the continued rise of commodity prices (as companies…
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1/7/10 Day After Report: Take This Jobs Report and Shove It
Oh shit was it on yesterday as macro news flew faster than Goldman subprime securitizations in 2005 or upward price target revisions on the S&P 500 in the last week (1,450, 1,500, does Money McBags hear 2850? Sold to the witch doctor in the back). — The macro news included the B(L)S reporting their non-farm…
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1/4/11 Midnight Report: Will the Dips Buy?
Ruh roh. After yesterday’s euphoria around the new year wiping the economic slate clean, investors woke up and realized that, well, a new year does not wipe the economic slate clean and unemployment remains unhealthily high (and as unhealthily high as if it had shared a needle with Gia Carangi), housing prices have either already…