Bernanke
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1/3/11 Midnight Report: Just Another Panic Monday for Shorts, Will Tomorrow be Their Funday?
The market ran today like Ben Bernanke was giving out free money (which um, he kind of is, as long as you have already proven that you are untrustworthy and have bad judgment), or giving out free shares of Facebook (which at this rate will be valued higher than an original copy of Birds of…
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A Visit From St. Bernanke
— Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the White House Not a politician was stirring, not even a louse; The economy was flung by Timmy without care, In hopes that St. Bernanke soon would be there; — The regulators were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of trannies danced in their…
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12/14/10 Midnight Report: Fed Policy Blows, Spits Out Unemployment
The Fed’s monthly statement on the economy was out today and it was more redundant than a repetitive semantic pleonasm and less telling than a gay soldier (though it’s not clear that anyone asked). The FOMC statement was little changed from last month with the headline being that the economic recovery is still eating a…
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11/23/10 Midnight Report: Fed Minutes Show Only Hours Until Dollars’ Demise as the Economy Will Be The Real Turkey This Thanksgiving
The market is limping in to Thanksgiving like Kenny Easterday with a broken wrist thanks to the European Union being on shakier ground than Gabourey Sidibe on a tight rope, North Korea dropping bombs on South Korea after South Korea’s TSA apparently tried to touch Kim Jong-ils junk, and the Fed releasing the minutes from…
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11/20/10 Midday After Report: Bernanke Lets His Hair Down
Kind of a drab hum drum day in the market yesterday as no new countries were close to defaulting, no new IPOs of shitty companies were being sold (and yeah Harrah’s, Money McBags is looking at you), and no new news on whether Milla Jovovich will be joining her country’s burgeoning Femen movement. — With…
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11/16/10 Midevening Report: The Suck of the Irish
The market crumbled today like Charles Rangel’s reputation as apparently Europe went through the TSA’s new back-scatter x-ray machine and was revealed to have a severely dangling Ireland. In addition to Europe being on the verge of another meltdown (or just a continuation of their previous one), China is trying to regulate inflation, and the…
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11/2/10 Midnight Report: They’re baaaaaaaaaaack!
The market rallied today as election booths underflowed with discontented voters, unemployed workers looking for a warm place to hang out during the day, and douchey hipsters who thought the lines were for the Apple store. — Apparently the Republicans are going to win back the House and thus have 1/4 of the decision making…
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10/15/10 Midevening report: QE2 is coming! QE2 is coming! And inflation won’t shoot (up) until it sees the weights of the Fed buys
Aww yeah, QE2 is finally on the way in news less surprising than learning another politician is a hypocrite, banks may have forged documents and been untruthful about disclosures, and Bar Refaeli is hot. QE2 became official when Ben Bernanke got in front of a room of top economists at their annual coven and clam…
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10/12/10 Midnight Report: Fed minutes count down the seconds to QE2
It was another quiet day in the market as the expectation of QE2 continues to dominate the headlines like Securities Analysis dominates the insomnia drug market or like Gabourey Sidibe dominates a doughnut (or box of doughnuts to be more precise). The market still can’t figure out what to do as investors continue to oscillate…
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9/21/10 Midevening Report: Fed pushes stimulus off until later, prefers to get drunk first and find their anal beads
The market was quiet for most of the day in anticipation of a statement from the FOMC where it was thought Bennie B. may let his hair down (pun completely intended) and talk honestly (and yes that was sarcasm) about the stagnant recovery. In the end though, the Fed just gave us more of the…