CRUS
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6/18/10 Midday Report: Gold hits new highs, silver plans an intervention
It’s quadruple witching Friday today in the market which is unfortunately just the day where stock index futures, stock index options, stock options, and single stock futures all expire and not the day where the market finally gets a 5-some with Elizabeth Montgomery, Barbara Eden, Melissa Joan Hart, and Omarrosa. While this is usually a…
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6/17/10 Midafternoon Report: New claims for unemployment claim the economy still sucks
The market didn’t do much today as it tries to come down off its volatility high which was fueled by mass uncertainty, broken technical barriers, and a fuckload of pixie sticks. In macro news, new claims for unemployment were much worse than analyst guesses and also once again tested the (No) Labor Department’s ability to…
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5/13/10 Midafternoon Report: Market down as Prozac prescription runs out, or common sense prevails, take your pick
The market bounced around today before closing down as it seemingly takes a breather from a week so volatile that it caused quants to come out of the closet and question their autoregressive conditional heteroskedasticity (but that is what they get for having a GARCH model and not Brooklyn Decker as the centerfold for last…
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5/12/10 Midevening Report: Gold hits record high causing a run on Flavor Flav’s teeth
The markets were on fucking fire today as investors shook off the historic drop last Thursday, apparently confident that the SEC looking in to the causes of the sell off will yield answers other than the current ones whch include: “Beats me,” “How the fuck should I know,” “and hey look, it’s Enrico Pallazzo!” The…
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5/11/10 Midafternoon Report: Europe bailout signals “too PIIGS to fail” policy
Did I miss something yesterday? Jeesh, Money McBags takes a day off to fine tune his factors of production and Europe decides to mimic Ben Bernanke’s “too big to count” strategy by printing up enough Euros to finally finish off the Bialowieza Forest or to get 36 very straight hours with the lovely Ashley Dupre. …
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5/7/10 Midday Report: The market has no clothes (and sadly, it resembles Abe Vigoda)
Holy fucking shit. You’ll have to excuse Money McBags today because he is still trying to put his limbs back on after jumping from his penthouse apartment during yesterday’s volatility which saw the market drop by 9% in 20 minutes. Whether it was spurred by riots in Greece, a fat finger (or as Portia Di…
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5/4/10 Midafternoon Report: Monty Python to rewrite script as somebody expects the Spanish Inquisition
Timberrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. The market is trading down as if Europe is going to go bankrupt like John Edward’s morals or like investors think it will give them AIDS (which means Magic Johnson is happily buying today since he can’t be infected again). The news continues to be fears that even with austerity measures and a bailout,…
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4/29/10 Midday Report: HP thinks it bought a rosy PALM, no word on whether they will also buy her five sisters
The rally is back on thanks to solid earnings, Greece likely getting bailed out again (for now), and the FED reaffirming their promise to keep rates low until the next bubble. Not only that, but new claims for unemployment were down by 11k which was just shy of analyst guesses and just shy of asking…
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4/27/10 Midafternoon Report: If Greece is now junk, what does that make Haiti?
The market is down today as Standard and Poor’s downgraded Portugal to a principality and Greek to junk and not the the kind in a trunk that most investors love, but good old fashioned junk. It was the first time since the advent of the Euro that a European country has lost its investment grade…
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4/14/10 Midafternoon Report: Market movin’ on up, only a matter of time before it buys a dee-luxe apartment in the sky
Oh shit, it is on today like fucking Donkey Kong only this time Mario is not only going to save the Princess but he’s going to get rich while doing so. The market is rallying like it’s 1999 with positive earnings, positive macro data, and not a fucking peep out of those Greek assholes who…