The Fed’s monthly statement on the economy was out today and it was more redundant than a repetitive semantic pleonasm and less telling than a gay soldier (though it’s not clear that anyone asked).  The FOMC statement was little changed from last month with the headline being that the economic recovery is still eating a fat dick (and not any fat dick, but an AIDS infested one, and not the fake AIDS that Magic Johnson has, but the real Rock Hudson type Aids) and is “insufficient to bring down unemployment.

So hoofuckingray that in the 18th month since the recession ended (according the NBER who apparently forgot to carry a few ones in their analysis), unemployment remains more elevated than a hyperglycemic’s blood sugar level after a downing a case of Jolt cola and a box ding dongs and more elevated than Money McBags heart rate when he sees the lovely Karolina Kurkova.  But there is nothing about which to worry because the Fed is finally fully engaged on this (and by “finally” Money McBags means “still”) and with all of the success they have had in ending the recession, they should be able to fix unemployment faster than Thomas Hoenig can drop a log in The Bernanke’s punchbowl.

Other interesting parts of the FOMC’s statement were the reiteration of the policy to buy $600B of Treasuries by February of 2012, the slight change in wording from “housing starts continue to be depressed” to “the housing sector continues to be depressed” (so fuck you to whomever said depression is not contagious), and the warning that inflation continues to trend downward (unless you want to buy gas, groceries, or seats on the strippermobile).

Thomas Hoenig was once again the only dissenter as he felt that “a continued high level of monetary accommodation would increase the risks of future economic and financial imbalances and, over time, would cause an increase in long-term inflation expectations that could destabilize the economy,” while the rest of the Fed members felt that Hoenig was simply being an asshat.  The point in all of this is that we learned absolutely nothing today except that the Fed will remain more accomodative than Sabrina Deep at a fanbang (well we did learn some things today, like squirrels aren’t acceptable forms of payment at drive thru windows, never rub Thora Birch’s back, and Monica Belluci is hot, but we learned nothing in regards to the Fed).

In macro news, November retail sales topped forecasts for the fifth consecutive month and handily beat analyst guesses despite all of their “channel checks” (likely because the only channel analysts were checking was HBO for reruns of True Blood to catch the Anna Paquin nude scenes).  Retail sales were up .8%, 1.2% excluding autos, and a shitillion % excluding common fucking sense.  Leading the way was department stores who saw their biggest increase in two years by rising 2.8% thanks to finally finding the right inventory to meet customer tastes.

This news has caused economists to lift their GDP growth guesses, none higher than something named Binky Chadha (and little known fact, Binky is actually the long lost pacman ghost) who said stocks should rise for the next 15 years (though to be fair, previous predictions from Chadha included that Larry King will be on the air forever, Elizabeth Hurley will stay happily married, and clothes will be optional for mailmen, so take his guesses with a grain of salt, especially if that grain of salt is around the lip of a Margarita).  Anyway, Money McBags’ favorite part of the report is that Chadha is basing his conclusion on past performance, because we all know past performance is indicative of future performance and looking at historical periods while ignoring the context of actual fucking history is the best way to do analysis.  Wow.  And yet this assclown makes more money than all 10k Walmart greeters put together and those greeters aren’t going to cause people to lose millions (though to be honest, if you’re dumb enough to listen to a Binky, you probably deserve to lose that money).

In other macro news, business inventories were up .7%, which was slightly less than guesses of 1%, due to stronger sales of 1.4% and businesses not stocking up as much as they realize the consumer numbers are still full of shit.  Inventories are now at their highest levels since their meth binge in February 2009 which means a flurry of discounted items will soon be on the way.

Internationally, Portugal’s Prime Minister José Sócrates (and Money McBags promises he is not making that name up) said he will be proposing new measures to right the Portuguese economy (and hopefully those measures will be 36-24-36).   Socrates did not give details of his plan, but said it will come from many dialogues, there will be a method to it, and it won’t just involve new taxes like we see in Germany.

Also in Europe, S&P cut the outlook on Belgium’s AA+ credit rating, citing political uncertainty, difficult market conditions, and the fact that the country is Belgium.  The Spanish government raised $3.3 billion at the same rates as their last raise as apparently there is no interest rate higher than infinity.  Finally, the ECB may raise reserves as they seek to increase its capital reserves to cover risks from the purchase of Greek, Irish and Portuguese bonds as well as to cover their last credit card bill from their night out at Rick’s Cabaret.

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In the market, BBY got absolutely yammied like Vicky Vette in a MILF Hunter video as their profit outlook was cut to $3.20 to $3.40 per share from $3.55 to $3.70 per share, sales fell by 1% which missed analyst guesses, and same store sales were down 5 fucking percent.  Come again (and if you are Aida Yespica, then really, please come again)?  Riddle Money McBags this, how the fuck were retail sales up .8% but one of the biggest bellweathers in retail sales put up a terrible quarter?  This is as cockposterous as changing your name to Captain Awesome. As Money McBags has been saying for months, retailers have been discounting the fuck out of their products to get them out of the door so margins are going fall faster than the Metrodome or Andrew Johnson’s reputation in the Republican Party in 1867, so investors need to be very wary.

Elsewhere, CMCSA was up after upgrades as the cable model should still be intact for another few years until NFLX completely takes over.  YHOO said they will be laying off >600 employees who will now have to search for jobs, so bah fucking hum bug to you assholes.  And finally EMS was up ~18% after they announced they are looking at strategic options such as going private, buying back shares, and not brushing before CPR.

In small cap news, old friend DFZ was up ~3.5% on no news other than it is cheap.  Money McBags is short on time for small caps today but he has been looking in to SAAS and will write more about them later this week.  Basically they provide outsourced call center software as part of a “cloud” that allows companies to forgo spending on shitty legacy hardware and outdated systems.  It also allows companies to cut down on actual call centers as it enables telephone reps, telemarketers, and crank yankers to work from home.  The company’s top line is misleading because they have an older shitty run-off telephony business that masks the growth of their cloud solution so it doesn’t screen well when investors are digging for ideas.  Money McBags suggests you all do your work here but this is a screaming long-term buy even if it isn’t all that cheap.  Money McBags will have more on this later, he’ll also likely have more on his new fascination with tiny houses and his love of Crystal Mccahill.  Oh yeah, you might want to do some work around DAIO.  It is a way shitty company that Money McBags owned before the market crashed but has surprisingly put up a number of solid quarters in a row and isn’t all that expensive.  It came up in some recent screens and Money McBags has it near the top of his list of companies on which to do more due dilligence.  So consider that a big heads up, and consider this a little heads up.