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3/28/11 Midnight Report: Same Shit, Different Day
The market rose for most of the day like the radiation readings from the Fukushima Dai-ichi Nuclear Power Plant (where engineers recently found plutonium in the soil which is either from the nuclear melt down or a broken flux capacitor) until it sagged in the afternoon like Dez Bryant’s shorts (and perhaps his bank account…
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12/13/10 Midnight Report: Market Has a Case of the Mondays
Not much happened in the market today as volume was lighter than the audience for a Hasselhoff reality TV show (and also about 900 IQ points higher) as investors continue to sit on their laurels (and if it is this Laurel on which they are sitting, then Money McBags certainly understands) while waiting for year…
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11/9/10 Midevening Report: As QE2 Hangover Wears Off, Will Market Wake Up in A Pool of Its Own Volatility
It was another lackluster day in the market as investors are still trying to regain their bearings from last week’s quadruple news high of elections, QE2, the jobs report, and Kat Dennings nude photos being released. With all of the excitement of those events more than priced in to the market, investors have spent the…
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9/23/10 Midevening Report: Housing and employment continue to struggle, but at least we have our healthcare
Ho fucking hum. Another day with more of the same news including bad unemployment numbers, bad housing data, and likely bad promises of a still unreleased Karissa Shannon sex tape (and it’s not even the one Money McBags wants to see). Excuse me while Money McBags yawns as how is he supposed to write dick…
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9/20/10 Midevening Report: NBER said recession ended 15 months ago, also said they saw Elvis and found the G-Spot
The market melted up to a four month high today as technical levels were tripped after investors dropped some funny looking mushrooms in to the market’s salad, President Obama had an hour long town hall on CNBC where he assured investors that his administrations’ actions have stabilized the markets (though as always, it depends on…
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8/27/10 Midday Report: Economy GDPeed on
The market was up today despite the government lowering their forecast of Q2 GDP to 1.6%, down from the 2.4% they fabricated last month and likely up from the lower number they will make up next month in their “hold the shock and hope for no awe strategy.” Growth in the economy has now…
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8/9/10 Midafternoon Report: The (money) shot Hurd around the world
With little macro data out today, the big news in the market is that HP CEO Mark Hurd resigned due to a sexual harrassment discrimination suit that seemed to involve less sex than Bill Clinton’s bedroom (that is when Hillary is sleeping there). Apparently Hurd hid business expenses when taking out a MILF/GMILF named Jodie…
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5/5/10 Midday Report: Investors celebrate May 5th with Sink-o de Marketo celebration
Buenos dias on this lovely Cinqo de Mayo as investors smack the market like a pinata in hopes of breaking it open to catch some falling CDS. Things remain ugly today as Europe is still on the verge of going bankrupt thanks to Greece’s steroidal Wimpy strategy of having a gyro today while promising to…
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3/8/10 Midafternoon Report: Market more mixed than reviews of Oscar telecast (and for the record, Money McBags gave it two thumbs in the ears)
The market is quiet today, likely still in bed after staying up all night to watch something called The Hurt Locker win so many Oscars that that the people who couldn’t get tickets to Avatar may now go see it (that is if Alice in Wonderland is also sold out and they hate fun). The…
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2/23/10 Midafternoon Report: Consumers are very confident in the economy getting shittier
The market has hit a speed bump today as consumer confidence fell to its lowest level in 10 months. Consumers are now less confident than a slightly overweight 16 year old girl with bad acne and a spastic colon on her first day in a new school. The confidence index dropped to 46, which is…