Posts tagged Fraudclosure
Oh shit was it on yesterday as macro news flew faster than Goldman subprime securitizations in 2005 or upward price target revisions on the S&P 500 in the last week (1,450, 1,500, does Money McBags hear 2850? Sold to the witch doctor in the back).
The macro news included the B(L)S reporting their non-farm pay roll numbers in a release more anticipated than the release of Edmund Morris’ Colonel Roosevelt (and no fucking joke here, Money McBags waited nine fucking years for that as the first two in the trilogy were jizztastic) or the release of Alice Eve‘s bra in Crossing Over (slightly more jizztastic). But it wasn’t just the jobs report, as The Bernank spoke in front of the Senate Budget Committee and let everyone know that the recovery in 2011 will be “moderately stronger” than in 2010 (though “moderately stronger” in the way that Stephen Hawking is “moderately stronger” than a feather), while USB and WFC lost their fraudclosure case in Massachusetts’ Supreme Court as their “my dog ate the documentation” defense didn’t work (of course they now say they will appeal and use the dreaded chewbaca defense). Fucking A, there was so much macro news that CNBC almost ran out of talking heads (and note to the young ladies reading this, it is never appropriate to talk while giving head).
But let’s start at the beginning with the jobs number where the private sector added only 113k jobs which was ~65k fewer than witch doctors had guessed as apparently their crystal balls contracted epididymitis and no longer work properly. And yet despite the fact that adding 113k jobs isn’t enough to absorb the 125k-150k new entrants in to the work force each month (new entrants of course known as “pre-unemployed”), the unemployment rate dropped from 9.8% to 9.4% in a mathematical sleight of hand more devious than the old “pull my finger” trick.
Anyway, Money McBags went through the Employment Situation Report, Table B of the B(L)S’ supporting data, and John Keynes’ biography (subtitled: “Suckers”), for all of you so you won’t have to rely on the headlines or misinformation in trying to interpret the details. Below are Money McBags’ seven thoughts on the data:
1. First of all, headlines touting the drop in the unemployment rate as positive are more absurd than editing the language of Huck Finn or casting Ellen Degeneres as a leading lady in a romantic comedy. That’s because the reason for the drop from 9.8% to 9.4% wasn’t because more people found work, rather it was because more people found looking for work to be too fucking hard, big difference. This led to a decline in the labor force participation rate to 64.3% which was a 25 year low and a result of the unemployed losing more hope than Kathy Bates’ vagina. If the labor force participation rate had stayed at last month’s way below the mean 64.5%, the unemployment rate would have dropped to only 9.7%, but headline writers around the country rejoiced at the lower rate.
Given this, Money McBags has a new strategy for Hilda Solis (besides maybe wearing some brighter colors) and the (No) Labor Department which he is calling the “Fuck Off” strategy. It’s really rather simple, see, instead of spending so much money on job placement services and job creation, just tell the unemployed to “fuck off.” Yeah, it might not be great for PR, and sure it will lead the US economy to eventually fall off a cliff worse than John Edwards political career did, but this is a nation of short-term results and short-term gratification (seriously, has anyone made it through more than the first 90 seconds of a Hanna Hilton movie?) and what quicker way to get those kind of results than by just kicking the unemployed completely out of the unemployment calculation.
Money McBags would call this brilliant, but it’s actually more than that, it’s fucking brilliant. So let’s just drop the labor force participation rate to 49% by “re-labeling” the 14.5MM unemployed people as discouraged, and all of a sudden we have 0% fucking unemployment. Problem fucking solved at no cost, just the click of a button as unemployment is merely a semantic clerical error. Now for his next trick, Money McBags will attempt to translate Thomas Pynchon’s works in to English (and see, that’s funny because he actually writes in English) and get money shots in to lesbian porn.
2. The other positive spin on numbers (other than the delightful reduction of the unemployment rate discussed above) was that the last two months of data were revised upwards by a combined 70k (and yep, that’s the amount by which this month’s numbers missed guesses, so it’s good to know the analysts at the B(L)S are competent enough to use goal seek). So suck on that data measured two months ago (and credibility). Money McBags anxiously awaits next month’s NFP miss only to learn that the miss was made up for by an extra 80k jobs the B(L)S just learned about that were added in September of 1984 and were related to the construction of the planet Gullible.
3. Of the 14.5MM unemployed, 6.4MM were long term unemployed (so 8.1MM people are what we here at the award winning When Genius Prevailed call “pre-long-term unemployed”) and 2.6MM people were “marginally attached” to the labor force and thus not in the calculations (and they were marginally attached to the labor force in the same way that vaccines are marginally attached to causing autism or Miley Cyrus is marginally attached to panties). If we added the marginally attached back to the labor force, then we’d have ~11% unemployment, so lets just keep them out so the rally can continue and the inconceivable Lloyd Blankfein’s bonus can grow which will finally allow him to buy that toupee made from antimatter and the Mona Lisa’s smile.
4. This part was a little confusing to Money McBags so it is possible he is missing something so feel free to speak up if this makes sense to you. The seasonally adjusted absolute number of unemployed went down from 15,041k to 14,485k, so by 556k. Yet new jobs added only 103k and the dwindling labor force participation rate reduced the unemployed by only ~260k (labor force participation went from 153,950k to 153.690k), so um, where the fuck did the other 193k unemployed people go? No really? Perhaps they were out collecting underpants.
|Reduction in Labor Force||(260)|
It probably has to do with the seasonal adjustment or the B(L)S’ refusal to carry ones, but fuck if Money McBags knows.
5. Julia Stegner is hot. This has nothing to do with the jobs report, but it is a fact of which you should all be aware.
6. Yeah, it’s great, the private sector added jobs, but here is the dirty little secret that no one wants you to know (though it’s not really a secret and isn’t all that little), the government is shedding jobs like Andrew Jackson shed his cabinet in the Petticoat Affair (though this time the government has more than one whore to blame). With tax receipts drying up, state and local governments are more fucked right now than birds in Louisiana or Taryn Thomas’ colon. And yet the market seemingly ignores another 10k public sector jobs lost, so keep your eye on this, though keep your eye on this too.
7. Of the 113k private sector jobs added, ~16k were temporary jobs and 24k were the result of the B(L)S’ birth/death model which is such a big black box that it makes Robert DeNiro salivate. So if we deduct out the ~16k temporary jobs and realize that there is a 24k fudge factor in the numbers, the real headline number is more like 63k to 87k permanent jobs added which is as good for a recovery as apparently crying is to foreplay. Below are the actual job numbers:
|Category||Change in Jobs #|
|Govt Full Time||(10,000)|
|Total Private Sector Jobs|
|Education and Healthcare||44,000|
|Leisure and Hospitaility||47,000|
|Total Private Sector||113,000|
|Temporary Private Sector Jobs||(15,900)|
|Total Permanent Jobs #||87,100|
|Birth/Death Model Plug||24,000|
|Actual Permanent Jobs #||63,100 to 87,100|
Anyway, it wasn’t all about jobs as in a speech Bernanke told the Senate Budget Committee that “We have seen increased evidence that a self-sustaining recovery in consumer and business spending may be taking hold.” Of course what it may be taking hold of is his nutsack, but it is what it is. He also said “it could take four to five more years for the job market to normalize fully” before adding “unless we can push down this frisky labor force participation rate, you know, the “Fuck Off” strategy.”
That said, the news that sent the market down wasn’t the jobs report or Bernanke’s ramblings, it was that USB and WFC lost a fraudclosure case when the Massachusetts Supreme Court upheld a judge’s decision saying two foreclosures attempted by the banks were invalid because “If the documents were disposed, you can”t foreclose.” The fear is that this could bubble up and lead to many other foreclosures being overturned as figuring out who holds what document in the mortgage process is more complicated than Fermat’s Last Theorem (though the answer is surprisingly 42) or trying to take your ladyfriend’s bra off with one hand. Money McBags is not sure where this is going because he is 100% convinced that if someone were serious about this, the banks would be hella fucked, but the courts are about as likely to take on the banking system (and thus bite the hand that tickles them under those robes) as Willow Palin is to take on Anamika Veeramani or Amber Heard is to take on a penis, so Money McBags is 97.3% sure some BS settlement will be reached.
With all of the macro going on yesterday, Money McBags didn’t have time to get to any fundamental small cap analysis, though QCOR was surprisingly strong, STVI continues to tick up towards facebookfinity, and RICK is fighting off curveballs (while tickling investors’ balls) and getting ready to rise. Money McBags will be back next week and will get more small cap on so until then, enjoy your weekend.
Not much happened in the market today as volume was lighter than the audience for a Hasselhoff reality TV show (and also about 900 IQ points higher) as investors continue to sit on their laurels (and if it is this Laurel on which they are sitting, then Money McBags certainly understands) while waiting for year end. Fund managers who have spent the last nearly 11.5 months hugging their index as tightly as if it were a jittery Serinda Swan have no interest in deviating from that non-alpha (yet high bonus) generating strategy in the last 3 weeks of the year. It’s just not going to happen, like Mark Madoff playing Santa Claus in next year’s Macy’s Day parade (and not because he’s Jewish, but because he’s dead).
Fund managers are content to glide in to year end and not do anything to fuck up their easy earned bonuses (because really, mimicking an index takes less skill and time than it takes for Smurfette to get a date on a Friday night) while working class America prepares to eat cake (and not regular cake, but urinal cake). So “Santa Claus Rally” on as the next three weeks should be less volatile than Wesley Snipes’ acting career over the next 3 to 5 years (and less volatile than his actual tax payments for the last 10 years as well).
As for US macro news, there was no real new information today other than that Wall Street is set to wrap up a jizztacular two year run thanks to Uncle Sam, higher stock and bond trading, and something called outright fraud. Despite warnings from the always lovely Meredith Whitney that Wall Street is going to contract in the next several years (and Money McBags has such a crush on her that he would both wrassle any other suitor for her and let her manipulate his balance sheet assets), bankers are making out like bandits this year (and yes, that is an insult to the good name of bandits everywhere). Apparently being able to lend money while not having to deal with the risk of losses is a fruitful business.
In legislative news, a key part of the Obama health care bill was deemed unconstitutional today because the Founding Fathers definitely were in favor of letting people forgo health insurance so they could spread the costs of their emergency room visits to those paying for insurance, well they were in favor of that and fucking their slaves. Also, the tax package compromise (and Money McBags would compromise and let Congresswoman Mary Bono Mack, or her lovely staffer Jennifer Baird tax his package anytime they like) passed a procedural vote today with the compromise being that no one will have to pay taxes.
The new tax bill will continue George W. Bush’s spend and don’t tax policies that were so popular with Republicans for eight years which means that Obama’s approval rating should soon shoot to a billionty (that is if Obama were American). The key thing to remember about this bill, which will cause the US deficit to spiral even more out of control than Lindsay Lohan at an all you can snort party, is that by the time the rhetoric hits the fan, most of us will be dead so fuck you next generation with your loud music, your texting, and your general douchebaggery. Perhaps if you wouldn’t have been such a bunch of assclowns, the government might have given a shit about your future. Consider yourselves pwned.
There was one bit of macro news out and that was that nearly one in every four houses with a mortgage was underwater last month yielding a total negative equity value of $744B, or whats better known as, “CitiGroup.” While this number is slightly down from last month, though not as cocktickingly down as the future volume on TV commercials (and Money McBags thanks the great FCC in the sky for this because there is nothing worse than falling asleep to the melodic stylings of Charlie Rose (that is the point of his show, right?) only to be violently woken up by a guy loudly exclaiming you will love his nuts), it was driven by foreclosures going up and not by a rise in home values. So the news is about as positive as being born to a successful Ivy League professor (on one hand, you get free tuition at a great school and good benefits, on the other hand, you really have to work for it). Interestingly, 67% of all homes with mortgages in Nevada are now underwater which means mythologists are only 33% away from finally locating Atlantis.
Internationally, China caused a bit of a rally today by refusing to raise rates even with inflation accelerating at its fastest pace in two years as investors hope China’s bubble can stay inflated until the global depression ends. Also in Asia, Japan is cutting their corporate tax rate by 5% to 35%, though it is unclear how they will make up the $18B shortfall this creates other than selling tickets for Harumi Nemoto motorboat rides.
In the market, all of the news centered around M&A as DELL made a compelling offer to buy Compellent for $950MM and an upgraded call center number for Compellent to use when their shitty DELL laptops break down. Also, GE is buying Windstream for 800 Pounds (or what is more commonly known as, one Gabourey Sidibe)
Finally, Goldman added AAPL to their conviction buy list and put a $430 price on it while also finally adding Brooklyn Decker to their “really hot” list, Leo Tolstoy to their great Russian writers list, and Rutherford B. Hayes to their most famous guys named Rutherford list. GOOG also received an analyst upgrade today, this time from Wedbush Morgan (and Money McBags would love to wed this Morgan‘s bush) who increased their target price on GOOG from $575 to $750 based on the fact that the analyst hadn’t published anything in a while and wanted more funds to trade through his firm (that’s how the sell side rolls). There is not a $175 difference between how GOOG was perceived yesterday and today, but sell side analysts need to eat too. Finally, A&P filed for bankruptcy because levering up to buy other low margin competitors proved to be a worse strategic decision than one of Sal Alosi’s.
In small cap news, EBIX was up ~4% on new news other than fraud has not yet been detected. Money McBags is just kidding, really, he is sure that there is nothing fishy going on at EBIX because companies with complicated business models that rely on acquisition accounting and foreign tax domiciles, have egotistical CEOs, and put up cocktacular growth rates usually trade at discounts to the market. Actually, Money McBags just found this delightful interview with CEO Robin Raina done by some cocksure analysts at the Motley Fool back in October and it is so covered in awesome that Money McBags is thinking of uploading it to the NSFW Spankwire for posterity.
Money McBags favorite parts of the interview were Robin Raina referring to himself in the third person (and let Money McBags assure you that anyone who does that has serious issues), saying how he wanted to be famous when he grew up, explaining how his foundation is going to build 6k free homes in India, and bragging about how he gets just 3.5 hours of sleep a night. There is only one conclusion to be made after this: Robin Raina is not human, no, he is a God among us. And not a pussy type of God like Demeter (because really, what does the god of fucking horticulture do all day other than sit around and enjoy daisy chains?), but a huge bright shining god that is loved and adored by people everywhere, like Christina Hendricks’ boobs (and Money McBags prays to those at least three times a day).
In his 20 waking hours a day, Robin Raina doesn’t just run a convoluted insurance back end software company cum health care solution, no, no, no, no. He builds houses for the poor, he keeps his senior management team intact (and keeping the same senior management team for 10 years is what The Robin Raina considers his biggest achievement, so fuck you houses for poor people), he makes sure his face is on every page of the EBIX website, and he fires auditors who cross The Robin Raina (TRR from now on).
Money McBags loved when TRR was asked about his proclivity to change auditors and TRR went on to explain how EBIX still has solid relationships with auditors they have used in the past. Of course this doesn’t actually explain the important part, which is why the fuck has he fired so many auditors, but it makes a good story. Sure the old auditors still like EBIX, because they want business again, but what caused all of the switches? Riddle Money McBags that oh egotistical one, it will only take 5 minutes of your time, and for fucksake, do you really need a whole 3.5 hours of sleep a night. Were past auditors simply too expensive or did they insist on using GAAP calculations?
Either way, this was just a fantastic interview as reading TRR stroke his own ego would give even the great Sigmund Freud an erection (and if you don’t know, Sigmund Freud is quite dead), so definitely check it out.
Editors Note: Kind readers, you all noticed that Money McBags was away for the past two weeks and many of you inquired as to his whereabouts. Let it be known that rumors of his demise were more overblown than Peter North in Face Jam. Money McBags was simply called away to take care of very important business (which may or may not have included a stint as a judge for this tremendous competition) but he is back for now and that is what matters. While this first column back is a bit rusty, Money McBags assures you all he will quickly find his stride or his name isn’t Money McBags.