Germany
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3/28/11 Midnight Report: Same Shit, Different Day
The market rose for most of the day like the radiation readings from the Fukushima Dai-ichi Nuclear Power Plant (where engineers recently found plutonium in the soil which is either from the nuclear melt down or a broken flux capacitor) until it sagged in the afternoon like Dez Bryant’s shorts (and perhaps his bank account…
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2/7/11 Midnight Report: Support Levels Blown as Market Spits Out Concerns
Stocks hit their two and a half year highs today as confidence in the markets skyrockets thanks to hackers penetrating NASDAQ computers (proving if you drink enough red bull and vodka, you’ll penetrate anything), insider selling continuing to outpace insider buying at a cockposterous rate as company executives show as much faith in their businesses…
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9/27/10 Midnight Report: M&A market remains hotter than Sasha Grey in Grand Theft Anal (though with slightly less hair pulling)
Money McBags is back after taking a mental health day on Friday because writing 1k-1.5k words a day of fresh material, analysis, and dick jokes about the market is not quite as easy as it sounds, especially as Money McBags takes his work very seriously (see, he could throw up just any picture of Odette…
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9/14/10 Midevening Report: Bigger retail sales fail to stimulate market as market prefers motion of the ocean
The market closed down after being up most of the day as US retail sales were a bit better than guessed at by analysts thanks to bigger back to school discounts, some states offering tax-free holidays (or as they are more commonly known as: paycations), and consumers having more money after skimping on their water…
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8/19/10 Midnight Report: No work and no pay makes the market a dull buy
Look out belowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww as the market is falling faster than Eliot Spitzer’s pants at the Mayflower hotel. Investors have finally decided to ignore the marginally good earnings data this quarter which was a lot of bottom line growth with weak toplines and instead pay some attention to macro data which is trending worse than Club…
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8/18/10 Midnight Report: Market flatter than 13 year old girl in honor of Roman Polanski’s birthday
The market was up modestly today as earnings were mixed and macro data was as non-existent as leprechauns, free will, and married women who swallow. Seriously, macro data was more fallow than Betty White’s uterus so investors were left to sift through earnings reports and finally get around to petitioning the CFA society for their…
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8/17/10 Midevening Report: Market gets higher thanks to POT
Money McBags is back today after technical difficulties kept him from dropping some market knowledge yesterday. He’d like to say his absence was because he was busy trying to solve some of the world’s greatest problems such as auditing the recent proof of P vs NP (which showed that P does not equal NP, though…
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6/7/10 Midafternoon Report: Hold on to your shorts as market continues on wild ride down
The market was chugging along today, taking a brief respite to lick its wounds after Friday’s jobs report gave even the most virulent Bull a bad case of Foot in the Mouth disease, until it dropped precipitously in the last half hour like Helen Thomas’ reputation at a B’nai B’rith fundraiser. With Europe’s ongoing…
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5/21/10 Midafternoon Report: Market rebounds, now it needs to stop missing shots
The market was up today as apparently it has been corrected like Stevie Wonder’s vision or Larry Craig’s family values. With Europe now fixed, unemployment shrinking, and monkeys flying out Money McBags butt, it should be back to lobster tails and BJs in no time. The good news is that nothing has really changed between…
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5/19/10 Midafternoon Report: VIX shoots up, claims it doesn’t have a problem, just wants to try to take its mind off global recession
The market got clobbered again today (until a closing minutes rally) like it insulted Preston Brooks’ uncle or like it had one too many shots of tequila while watching the donkey show. Investors continue to fear the impending doom of Europe with their quaint monetary system, silly accents, and love of black jeans. However, macro…