The market absolutely flew today as if it were late to the only showing of Natalie Portman’s first lesbian scene thanks to a European country needing to be rescued from the brink of bankruptcy, retail investors being able to buy stock again in one of the shittiest companies ever, and marginal to absurd macro data somehow pointing to a healthy global economy.  Money McBags is more confused by the rally than he is by Playboy TV’s new business model of trying to attract females (and newflash Playboy, chicks already have tits so if they want porn they can just look in the fucking mirror and save themselves $15 a month) but rally on friends, rally on.

Look, Money McBags may not be the smartest person in the world (though he’s definitely in the top ten along with Gregori Perelman, Dean Kamen, and the guy who invented the NSFW but how does bailing out a fucking sovereign nation make the market giddier than a policeman assigned to crowd control at a Femen rally.  This is just mind boggling to Money McBags and makes less sense than being forced to eat your own beard (fuck, not even Tom Cruise eats his own beard).

So to get this straight, on Tuesday, the market cratered on fears that Ireland was going the way of Henry VIII’s lost palace or Willow Palin’s chances for GLAAD teenager of the year (or an A in English, and it’s a good thing that the greatest cunning linguist of them all William Saphire (you thought Money McBags was going to say Janine Lindmulder?), is already dead because Facebook and Twitter grammar would surely have killed him) due to their spiraling debt and escalating yields needed to sell their bonds.

And today, it was confirmed that Ireland was more fucked than Brent Barry’s wife at a Spurs players only meeting as they admitted that their banks needed to be bailed out more than the Edmund Fitzgerald on November 10th of 1975.  Reports are out that Ireland has confessed to their sins (which include failing banks, drinking before and after sun up, and failing to properly promote the career of Claire Tully) and are now just quibbling with the ECB, IMF, EU, and the ghost of Eamon de Valera’s dignity over how much the bailout will be with $10s of billions being the current quoted figure (which is nowhere near as useful as quoting this figure).

But here is the real confusion for Money McBags about the market’s reaction, it is now official that Ireland is fucked if they don’t get any help and it is also all but official that some European entity is going to supply them with a hefty pot of gold.  But where is this fucking pot of gold really going to come from?  Who is going to be paying for this or is the EU, or whoever, just going to drop their black jeans and reach far up in to their arses to pull out the cash?  Doesn’t anyone understand moral fucking hazard?

Honestly, Money McBags brought this up earlier this week but if this is how the market is going to react to a bailout, why the fuck doesn’t the EU just bail out another country every fucking day?  It’s a more brilliant offshoot of Money McBags’ BOGUS (Bail Outs Give Us Savings) Party because it doesn’t even need the “savings” to kick in.  This is all just completely insane.  Look, the fact that Ireland needs billions of Euro to survive isn’t fucking positive so Money McBags guesses all reason has been thrown out in the market and he is close to selling all of his positions and just buying triple long Portugal bond ETFs since their bail out is next.

The other main reason the market rallied is equally non-sensical and that is that GM closed up ~3% after their IP(N)O today.  Excuse Money McBags because perhaps he pulled a Rip Van Winkle, but when did investing in a company that had to be saved by the United States government from sure bankruptcy because it is in a shitty business in which they are uncompetitive, ever seem like a good idea (and investors in financials don’t answer that)?

Money McBags has no interest in investing in GM stock like he has no interest in investing in New Coke, the Delorean, or Jeff Conaway’s career and the fact that this shit company being lifted back from the dead could rally the market is whatever is beyond preposterous, perhaps cockposterous (and yes, that is exactly what it is.  Can someone alert John Simpson that cockposterous should be on his list of new words to add to the 2011 OED?  Shit, the fact that bromance made the OED this year is in itself cockposterous).  But hey, with the world being so messed up that a Young Boozer can become the Treasurer of Alabama, Money McBags is sure GM’s stock will rocket up to infinity (so a few exponentials below AAPL).

US macro news also helped rally the market as Bloomberg reported to everyone that economic data today shows the recovery is “accelerating” (though saying it is accelerating is a bit like saying Stephen Hawking is blinking better).  The positive macro news was that the index of leading economic indicators rose 0.5% in October (and a big Whoop-de-dam-doo to that) and defying all logic, the Philly Fed’s business activity index soared to 22.5 in November from 1.0 in October while also telling Moody’s to “suck it” (with “it” if course being Philly’s lack of hope and poverty filled souls.  And yes that was a joke since we know people in Philadelphia have no souls).

That said, the data from the Philly Fed wasn’t just nearly double the highest guess from analysts (which again shows how analyst models are more broken than all of Money McBags’ hopes and dreams), but also in direct opposition to Monday’s year low New York Fed manufacturing data.  So manufacturing in New York was fuck awful, but just a short Mega Bus ride away in Philadelphia, it was spanktacular?  Well that’s just cockposterous.  If anyone can explain that to Money McBags, please do so, but use small words and plenty of pictures so Money McBags can fully understand.

Also, jobless claims rose but only by 2k to 439k (or whatever they will be revised up to next month) and were only 1k below analyst guesses.  This is huge for analysts because with bonus season coming up next month, the (No) Labor Department’s random number generator coming close to analysts’ broken regression models will give analysts something to point to in their reviews from which to tell their bosses to extrapolate.  And finally, foreclosures on Prime US mortgages (or as their better known as “the Abacus AAA” tranche) rose to a record high as 2.45% of all prime homes are in foreclosure.  No wonder the market rallied today though, because caring about foreclosures is so 2008 and if shit gets fucked up, someone will just bail everything out and no one will be the worse off.  Serenity now motherfuckers, serenity now.

In the market, SPLS had a good Q as cost cuts drove an ~8% EPS increase despite same store North American sales being down 1%.  This continued the push-up bra-esque quarterly theme in the market of operational improvements propping up top line weakness.  That quarterly theme was not present in Sears though as they sucked a roebucks (and Money McBags has no idea what that means but it doesn’t sound good) with their loss nearly double what analysts guessed, revenue down 5%, and Target continuing to knock the piss out of them (to use a technical term).

Other retailers such as Limited brands and Buckle rose as they put up solid Qs, while Williams Sonoma got hammered as people realize that Franzia tastes just as good in paper cups as it does in wine glasses.  Finally, NetAPP shares jumped 8% as earnings rose 72% and beat analyst guesses as the company simply stored the fuck out of some shit.

In small caps, everything was up, so kudos to you if you were long anything.  As Money McBags had to spend way to much time doing stuff today that might bring him income (as opposed to writing these dick jokes which have yet to bring him income), he wasn’t able to do any small cap analysis, but then again, there wasn’t much news.  He hopes to get to some tomorrow so in the mean time, enjoy this instead.