MCD
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4/4/11 Midnight Report: Will March’s Madness lead to April Fools?
Today was a quiet day in the market (even quieter than Bernie Madoff’s trading floor on a triple witching Friday or a Money McBags column without the dick jokes) as investors bask in the fictitious and marginally above consensus guessed jobs numbers from Friday (and if you missed it, Money McBags dove in to the…
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3/8/11 Midnight Report: Heaving the Dip
Kind readers, you’ll have to excuse Money McBags today for not being able to put up a full column but you see, as you were all buying the dip and rejoicing over OPEC’s promise to produce the shit out of more oil for the first time in two years (which surely made M. King Hubberd…
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10/21/10 Midnight Report: The market weebles and it wobbles but the Fed won’t let it fall down
A funny thing happened on the way to the frontrun today as after a huge opening driven by slightly positive relative macro data and NFLX’s jizztacular earnings, the market dove on no real discernible news other than maybe investors waking up to just about EVERY FUCKING PIECE OF ECONOMIC DATA released in the last few…
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9/9/10 Midevening Report: Government massages new claims for unemployment data and gives the market a happy ending
The market was up again today as it continues to rejoice that there are only “widespread signs of deceleration” and not whatever is worse than widespread, like “doublewidespread” or “assawful.” The big macro news was that new claims for unemployment were out and they demolished analyst guesses of 470k by coming in at a petite…
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7/23/10 Midafternoon Report: European banks pass stress test, results of colonoscopy still pending
The market was quiet in the morning despite a slew of solid earnings announcements as it waited for the release of the Europe bank stress tests which were more highly anticipated than Lindsay Lohan’s jail stint, Avatar’s opening weekend, or Mel Gibson’s next career limiting phone call. Well the results came out midday and were…
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6/8/10 Midevening Report: Bernanke speech fails to significantly rally the market, says he’ll overpromise more next time
The market was relatively quiet today as there was a lack of macro news though Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke was out late Monday saying: “My best guess is that we’ll have a continued recovery, but it won’t feel terrific like a blumpkin from Sara Varone followed by a nice wipe with that oh so soft…
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6/4/10 Midafternoon Report: Jobs report challenges Marmaduke movie for biggest bomb released on Friday
The (No) Labor Department’s jobs report came out today and was well below analyst guesses which sent the market tumbling like Tony Hayward’s Q score at a Greenpeace convention. The US added 431k jobs in May which was the biggest increase in a single month in over a decade since the internet was founded and…
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4/21/10 Midday Report: You can not stop AAPL, you can only hope to contain them
The news today is earnings, earnings, earnings, and Sophie Turner. The markets are inching up after a strong slate of mostly positive earnings reports (not so fast AT&T and GILD). However, before we get to earnings which featured Apple taking other handset makers out to eat, getting them drunk, and then giving them a cleveland…
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3/9/10 Midafternoon Report: Happy birthday bear market low, now go fuck yourself
Today marks the one year anniversary of the bear market’s devilish low of 666. To celebrate the nearly 70% rise since then, unemployed workers throughout the country are taking a day off from job hunting to resole their well worn and tattered shoes while Wall Street bankers are wiping their delicate behinds with their beluga…
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3/8/10 Midafternoon Report: Market more mixed than reviews of Oscar telecast (and for the record, Money McBags gave it two thumbs in the ears)
The market is quiet today, likely still in bed after staying up all night to watch something called The Hurt Locker win so many Oscars that that the people who couldn’t get tickets to Avatar may now go see it (that is if Alice in Wonderland is also sold out and they hate fun). The…