Not much happened in the market today as volume was lighter than the audience for a Hasselhoff reality TV show (and also about 900 IQ points higher) as investors continue to sit on their laurels (and if it is this Laurel on which they are sitting, then Money McBags certainly understands) while waiting for year end.  Fund managers who have spent the last nearly 11.5 months hugging their index as tightly as if it were a jittery Serinda Swan have no interest in deviating from that non-alpha (yet high bonus) generating strategy in the last 3 weeks of the year.  It’s just not going to happen, like Mark Madoff playing Santa Claus in next year’s Macy’s Day parade (and not because he’s Jewish, but because he’s dead). 

Fund managers are content to glide in to year end and not do anything to fuck up their easy earned bonuses (because really, mimicking an index takes less skill and time than it takes for Smurfette to get a date on a Friday night) while working class America prepares to eat cake (and not regular cake, but urinal cake).  So “Santa Claus Rally” on as the next three weeks should be less volatile than Wesley Snipes’ acting career over the next 3 to 5 years (and less volatile than his actual tax payments for the last 10 years as well).

As for US macro news, there was no real new information today other than that Wall Street is set to wrap up a jizztacular two year run thanks to Uncle Sam, higher stock and bond trading, and something called outright fraud.  Despite warnings from the always lovely Meredith Whitney that Wall Street is going to contract in the next several years (and Money McBags has such a crush on her that he would both wrassle any other suitor for her and let her manipulate his balance sheet assets), bankers are making out like bandits this year (and yes, that is an insult to the good name of bandits everywhere).  Apparently being able to lend money while not having to deal with the risk of losses is a fruitful business.

In legislative news, a key part of the Obama health care bill was deemed unconstitutional today because the Founding Fathers definitely were in favor of letting people forgo health insurance so they could spread the costs of their emergency room visits to those paying for insurance, well they were in favor of that and fucking their slaves.  Also, the tax package compromise (and Money McBags would compromise and let Congresswoman Mary Bono Mack, or her lovely staffer Jennifer Baird tax his package anytime they like) passed a procedural vote today with the compromise being that no one will have to pay taxes.

The new tax bill will continue George W. Bush’s spend and don’t tax policies that were so popular with Republicans for eight years which means that Obama’s approval rating should soon shoot to a billionty (that is if Obama were American).  The key thing to remember about this bill, which will cause the US deficit to spiral even more out of control than Lindsay Lohan at an all you can snort party, is that by the time the rhetoric hits the fan, most of us will be dead so fuck you next generation with your loud music, your texting, and your general douchebaggery.  Perhaps if you wouldn’t have been such a bunch of assclowns, the government might have given a shit about your future.  Consider yourselves pwned.

There was one bit of macro news out and that was that nearly one in every four houses with a mortgage was underwater last month yielding a total negative equity value of $744B, or whats better known as, “CitiGroup.”  While this number is slightly down from last month, though not as cocktickingly down as the future volume on TV commercials (and Money McBags thanks the great FCC in the sky for this because there is nothing worse than falling asleep to the melodic stylings of Charlie Rose (that is the point of his show, right?) only to be violently woken up by a guy loudly exclaiming you will love his nuts), it was driven by foreclosures going up and not by a rise in home values.  So the news is about as positive as being born to a successful Ivy League professor (on one hand, you get free tuition at a great school and good benefits, on the other hand, you really have to work for it).  Interestingly, 67% of all homes with mortgages in Nevada are now underwater which means mythologists are only 33% away from finally locating Atlantis.

Internationally, China caused a bit of a rally today by refusing to raise rates even with inflation accelerating at its fastest pace in two years as investors hope China’s bubble can stay inflated until the global depression ends.  Also in Asia, Japan is cutting their corporate tax rate by 5% to 35%, though it is unclear how they will make up the $18B shortfall this creates other than selling tickets for Harumi Nemoto motorboat rides.

In the market, all of the news centered around M&A as DELL made a compelling offer to buy Compellent for $950MM and an upgraded call center number for Compellent to use when their shitty DELL laptops break down.  Also, GE is buying Windstream for 800 Pounds (or what is more commonly known as, one Gabourey Sidibe)

Finally, Goldman added AAPL to their conviction buy list and put a $430 price on it while also finally adding Brooklyn Decker to their “really hot” list, Leo Tolstoy to their great Russian writers list, and Rutherford B. Hayes to their most famous guys named Rutherford list.  GOOG also received an analyst upgrade today, this time from Wedbush Morgan (and Money McBags would love to wed this Morgan‘s bush) who increased their target price on GOOG from $575 to $750 based on the fact that the analyst hadn’t published anything in a while and wanted more funds to trade through his firm (that’s how the sell side rolls).  There is not a $175 difference between how GOOG was perceived yesterday and today, but sell side analysts need to eat too.  Finally, A&P filed for bankruptcy because levering up to buy other low margin competitors proved to be a worse strategic decision than one of Sal Alosi’s.

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In small cap news, EBIX was up ~4% on new news other than fraud has not yet been detected.  Money McBags is just kidding, really, he is sure that there is nothing fishy going on at EBIX because companies with complicated business models that rely on acquisition accounting and foreign tax domiciles, have egotistical CEOs, and put up cocktacular growth rates usually trade at discounts to the market.  Actually, Money McBags just found this delightful interview with CEO Robin Raina done by some cocksure analysts at the Motley Fool back in October and it is so covered in awesome that Money McBags is thinking of uploading it to the NSFW Spankwire for posterity.

Money McBags favorite parts of the interview were Robin Raina referring to himself in the third person (and let Money McBags assure you that anyone who does that has serious issues), saying how he wanted to be famous when he grew up, explaining how his foundation is going to build 6k free homes in India, and bragging about how he gets just 3.5 hours of sleep a night.  There is only one conclusion to be made after this: Robin Raina is not human, no, he is a God among us.  And not a pussy type of God like Demeter (because really, what does the god of fucking horticulture do all day other than sit around and enjoy daisy chains?), but a huge bright shining god that is loved and adored by people everywhere, like Christina Hendricks’ boobs (and Money McBags prays to those at least three times a day).

In his 20 waking hours a day, Robin Raina doesn’t just run a convoluted insurance back end software company cum health care solution, no, no, no, no.  He builds houses for the poor, he keeps his senior management team intact (and keeping the same senior management team for 10 years is what The Robin Raina considers his biggest achievement, so fuck you houses for poor people), he makes sure his face is on every page of the EBIX website, and he fires auditors who cross The Robin Raina (TRR from now on).

Money McBags loved when TRR was asked about his proclivity to change auditors and TRR went on to explain how EBIX still has solid relationships with auditors they have used in the past.  Of course this doesn’t actually explain the important part, which is why the fuck has he fired so many auditors, but it makes a good story.  Sure the old auditors still like EBIX, because they want business again, but what caused all of the switches?  Riddle Money McBags that oh egotistical one, it will only take 5 minutes of your time, and for fucksake, do you really need a whole 3.5 hours of sleep a night.  Were past auditors simply too expensive or did they insist on using GAAP calculations?

Either way, this was just a fantastic interview as reading TRR stroke his own ego would give even the great Sigmund Freud an erection (and if you don’t know, Sigmund Freud is quite dead), so definitely check it out.

Editors Note: Kind readers, you all noticed that Money McBags was away for the past two weeks and many of you inquired as to his whereabouts.  Let it be known that rumors of his demise were more overblown than Peter North in Face Jam.  Money McBags was simply called away to take care of very important business (which may or may not have included a stint as a judge for this tremendous competition) but he is back for now and that is what matters.  While this first column back is a bit rusty, Money McBags assures you all he will quickly find his stride or his name isn’t Money McBags.