Midday report
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1/11/10 Midday Report: China: More than just putting pee pee in coke
The news on the markets today is that China’s economy continues to soar like the Netherlands did in 1637 thanks to tulips or like Money McBags’ johnson did earlier today thanks to two lips. China’s exports rose 18% and was up for the first time in over a year leading chelation therapists all across the…
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1/08/10 Midday Report: Market shakes off unemployment reports, claims those people are just lazy
The big news of the day is that the Labor Department, led by Hilda Solis whose name is an anagram for the upcoming Snoop Dogg swine flu dis track titled “Hos said ill,” came out with their jobs report for December which showed a loss of 85k jobs. This was worse than expectations and held…
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1/7/10 Midday Report: Low end retailers post good sales numbers as formerly rich learn to slum it
Before we get to the better than expected December sales numbers for most retailers, we need to address the macroeconomy (So hello macroeconomy, would you like some viagra for your slow growth?). Today’s initial claims for unemployment came out and were slightly better than expectations (and all sources tend to agree about this, unlike yesterday’s…
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1/6/10 Midday Report: A flat market at your service (sector)
The news out today is that the service sector grew, but less than expectations, so now we know how Vern Troyer’s parents felt. The ISM index of non-manufacturing jobs rose from 48.7 to 50.1 and anything over 50 signals expansion according to the arbitrary metrics measured by the index and the directionally correct economists who…
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1/5/10 Midday Report: After 330 years, stock market proves Isaac Newton wrong: Gravity, schmavity. What goes down, must keep going up
The market continues it’s latest rally despite at best mixed news today. The biggest news is that pending home sales dropped more than Dolly Parton‘s boobs have in the past 5 years (and for the record, she now calls them “anklets”). The 16% drop was more than the expectation of a 2% drop after a…
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1/4/10 Midday Report: It’s 2010, yet the market is partying like it’s 1999
Hide the women and children because the market is coming back with a vengeance, like Dirty Harry Callahan or Don Knotts on Three’s Company. The market appears to be determined to show all of the traders who manufactured complex derivitaves such MBS, ABS, and plain BS, that financial engineering can only keep it down for…
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12/31/09 Midday Report: Let the New Year’s party begin (Except for the 10% of you unemployed)
2009 finally ends tonight and what a year it has been. The market sunk to a low of 666 before being exorcised by a low quality rally and a bottle of jesus juice, the US goverment bailed out the financial system and printed enough money to make Bill Gates seem like a pauper, unemployment spiked…
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12/30/09 Midday Report: The market mimics the Alabama school system as investors close their books until the New Year
With the year coming to a close, trading is thinner than a bulimic after a good gastric banding while market news is scarcer than Paris Hilton’s panties or Bernie Madoff’s investment returns. The only real market news out today is that the Chicago ISM was released and measured a whopping 60, though it is unclear…
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12/29/09 Midday Report: Consumers more confused than Alan Greenspan in a housing bubble
Data came out today showing a rise in consumer confidence for the second consecutive month, despite consumers rating their current situation as the worst since February 1983 (and to give you an idea about how long ago February 1983 was, Tennessee Williams was alive for most of the month, Case had yet to mix his…
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12/28/09 Midday Report: Light volume as the market tries to shed holiday pounds
The only real news today (other than that Nell Mcandrew is still hot) is that the extra day of shopping this year led to an increase in retail sales. Amazingly enough, analysts also found that an extra serving at dinner led to an increase in people gaining weight, an extra shot of Jager led to…