SEC
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4/4/11 Midnight Report: Will March’s Madness lead to April Fools?
Today was a quiet day in the market (even quieter than Bernie Madoff’s trading floor on a triple witching Friday or a Money McBags column without the dick jokes) as investors bask in the fictitious and marginally above consensus guessed jobs numbers from Friday (and if you missed it, Money McBags dove in to the…
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10/1/10 Midafternoon Report: SEC says Waddell and Reed caused the flash crash, also blames them for stuxnet virus, and Jay Leno’s career
The market treaded water again today as all 1,800 (give or take ~1,795) macro reports were vague enough and relatively inline enough (though absolutely out of line, like the phone number on a Chad Ochocinco cereal box or Fed Reserve Bank of Kansas City President Thomas “T Ho” Hoenig after one too many brandy snifters…
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7/16/10 Midnight Report: A load of Bears hit
The market tumbled today like a broke Boy George on a floor covered with dong as consumer confidence continues to fade like LeBron James’ Q score or Haiti. Consumer sentiment fell to 66.5 which is the lowest since August and below the most pessimistic guesses of those not paying attention (also known as economists). The…
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5/20/10 Midafternoon Report: S&P slides closer to next technical level of 0, most economists predict a bounce from there.
Fucking Europe. Seriously. First they tried to tax us without letting us represent ourselves and you know what, we don’t play that way. Then they got all upitty and burned down the White House while poor little James Madison sat on his gelding and got his S’mores on. And after that we’ve had to bail…
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5/14/10 Midafternoon Report: Market loses again but Nets and Knicks still said to be interested
Oh shit, the market sunk today like Bernie Madoff’s grandchildren’s hopes and dreams or like a booze cruise captained by Joseph Hazelwood. Just when you thought investors had forgotten about Greece like John Edwards forgot about dignity (though perhaps he never had any) or Britney Spears forgot about underwear, it is back in the news…
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5/12/10 Midevening Report: Gold hits record high causing a run on Flavor Flav’s teeth
The markets were on fucking fire today as investors shook off the historic drop last Thursday, apparently confident that the SEC looking in to the causes of the sell off will yield answers other than the current ones whch include: “Beats me,” “How the fuck should I know,” “and hey look, it’s Enrico Pallazzo!” The…
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4/23/10 Midday Report: Crash of the Titan as Greece requests bailout
The market is up today as sales of new homes were up 27% blowing past analyst guesses and rising by the most in five decades which is so long ago that baby boomers were still in grade school, man had yet to reach the moon, and full muff was still in style (like the very…