Money McBags isn’t going to be able to get to a full column today because other shit has come up (and it’s not just up because he found Olivia Munn’s new Maxim photo shoot).  Money McBags knows his column has been a bit sporadic since he hit his one year anniversary (and loyal readers know he took maybe one day off in that whole first year which was a pace that has garnered him several entries in the next Guinness Book of World Records such as “most original humor content in a year,” “most Paris Hilton herpes jokes in a year,” “most one-liners written in a year,” and “most use of the third person in a year”), but the column has been getting longer and Money McBags is just at a time where he has other shit he has to do.  Remember, all he charges his readers is their dignity, and unfortunately, dignity doesn’t put lap dances on the table.

Money McBags is doing his best to maintain this as a daily column, so just tickle his balls here a bit as he works through the other shit (and if you are his new crush Malene Espensen, then seriously, tickle his balls) as even at three or four days a week, Money McBags’ stuff is still better than any of that shit out there, so either live with Money McBags missing a day here or there for now or spread the fucking word because if Money McBags can just get 1MM readers (and he is within a rounding error of that, that is if Chris Burke were doing the rounding), he is pretty sure he could put everything else on the back burner and pump more and better shit out for all of you.

Anyway, Money McBags knows what you’re all thinking “cry me a fucking river funny boy now shut up and write some jokes.”  So without further ado (and as always Money McBags has no idea what “ado” is, but he is glad there will be no further of it), this is what Money McBags would have written about had he had time for a column today.

He would have written about Portugal floating some bonds and seeking to cut its debt (though hopefully not getting desperate enough to use practices seen in Amsterdam).

He would have written about banks being upgraded to “buy the shit out of them” by the Wells Fargo, which is a bit like Alan Greenspan defending the Fed in front of congress, but whatever.

He would have had a shitload of jokes and analysis about the Fed’s little beige book which said holiday spending and increased manufacturing drove an economic expansion across the U.S. in November and December, businesses remain cautiously optimistic for 2011, and Elizabeth Duke doesn’t put out on the first rate hike (unless you get her a bit TIPS-y and apply excessive stimulus).

He would have mentioned that import prices rose 1.1% which would have led Money McBags to once again harp on the fallacy of “core inflation” which is like using a nut hair as a measure of Lexington Steele’s schlong.

He would have yawned at mortgage applications rising by 2.2%, rolled his eyes at Geithner whining about China’s currency being undervalued (and likely thrown in a fantastic pee pee flavored coke joke), and salivated over the leaked JWOWW topless photo even if it obviously isn’t her as one must dare to dream.

He would have also pointed out the interesting fact that short selling is at one year low (which is a huge contra-indicator), and then pointed out the even more interesting fact that Abe Vigoda‘s balls are at their 80 year low.

He then would have tackled the market and pointed out that ITT was up 15% after announcing they were going to split the company in to three separate business units (no doubt called called I, T and T) in order to do away with any economies of scale.  He also would have pointed out that Zales was up 40% thanks to an 8.5% jump in same store sales which highlights the fucking inzanity of the economy because if a store as zhitty as Zales which is selling down market luxury items can start performing, then clearly the extra 14MM people unemployed above the fictitious natural rate of unemployment are completely fucking worthless.

Finally Money McBags would have jumped to small caps and pointed out CKSW which sold off after pre-announcing lower revenue yesterday and is getting to a very interesting entry point (though not as interesting of an entry point as any of Kayla Collins‘ orifices, or is it orifi?).  The company is still going to put up $18MM of revenue in Q4 which is 5% growth but will give them $70MM revenue for the year which is 15% growth.  That said, they also guided down profits due to investing for growth (and their book to bill is going to be greater than one which is titriffic) and having to write-off a customer bankruptcy (which is just not good, no way to make that shit funny).  The company earned $.40 per share last year on lower revenue but margins are down this year as the company tries to expand.  The point is, if they can continue to grow in the 15% to 20% range and better manage their cost structure, it is possible they could earn $.50 per share next year (depending on how one wants to estimate their tax rate given that they are an Israeli company and the tax rate seems to be as predictable as where the afikomen will be hidden at passover) and thus are trading at only 16x that which is not terribly expensive, especially as ~20% of their market cap is in cash.  Their technology/algorithms are supposed to be the best out there and eventually someone will buy this company, so if the stock continues to sell off and drops into the $6s, Money McBags will think long and hard about buying (though he will also think long and hard about buying this).

Anyway, if Money McBags had the time to put out a full column (though um, he just dropeed ~1k words on a supposed day off, so fuck him), that is what he would have written about, only with more references to great authors (such as Fante, Bolano, and the guy who wrote this), more metaphors than Britney Spears has chins, and a fuckload more Malene Espensen.  Money McBags will likely be back tomorrow with a full column, but be sure to follow him during the day on the twitter because he has been smitten with that medium of late (and smitten with this medium too) and now tweets out a few one-liners during the day.