The market slid today as Cisco spooked investors with a bad Q as they are still struggling to come up with a hit after the Thong Song, the G20 meetings proved to be less positive than a Helen Thomas pregnancy test, and macro news was more non-existent than dark matter (for now), as bond markets, banks, and government offices were closed for Veterans Day.

Given the lack of macro data, allow Money McBags to take a paragraph or two for a rant.  You see, the 17%+ U16 unemployment rate, the continued devaluation of the dollar, and inability of anyone to work together to want to fix the stumbling (stumbled? Fucking stumbled?) economy is more mind boggling to Money McBags than super string theory or the concept behind this show called Bridalplasty (and Money McBags only hopes that the show’s winner chooses “brain transplant” as her elective surgery).

Look, Money McBags believes that there are smart people in the world and finding a solution really shouldn’t be this hard.  For fucksake, humans have been able to send a man to the Moon (and if you haven’t noticed, the Moon is really fucking far away) just so he could hit a golf ball and even made him gourmet food for the next trip up, they have been able to create a mobile phone that tests for STDs (so now putting your phone on vibrate and shoving it up your ass will be both enjoyable and diagnostic), and they have been able to pretty much recreate the Big Bang which happened so long ago, Joan Rivers was still on her first sphincter (and by Big Bang, Money McBags is not talking about Desiree Devine).  Honestly, these are all amazing achievements and proof of real human ingenuity so why is our only strategy for fixing the economy the same strategy that has consistently not worked?  It’s like everyone just keeps hoping someone will waive their magic wand, say Beetlejuice three times, and everything will be better.  But that just isn’t going to happen.

Money McBags has thought long and hard about this (and long and hard about this too, but thats just being crude for crude’s sake, so feel free to ignore it) and he certainly doesn’t have all of the answers (though for a start he recommends filling in C all the way down as that seemed to work all on all three levels of the CFA exam.  Or is it more correct to say the exam to get one’s CFA Charter?), but come on people, doing the same fucking thing of putting more money into the system so rich people might increase their marginal spend by a nut hair isn’t going to do it.

So ladies and gentlemen, for the love of Gracie Glam can we all just agree to put partisan bullshit aside, tell the Art Laffers and Robert Reichs of the world to shut the fuck up (while remembering not to feed them after midnight), and forget about all of the money Goldman piled in to your campaign funds, and talk through the issues logically and figure out how to get people back to work?  It’s assbackwards thinking to assume that printing money will somehow lead to real recovery and not hypervention and the even worse hyperinflation, so lets all throw away our Principles of Macro Economics (which by the way, if you read the fine print says none of it works in the real world and yet we are, um, trying it in the real fucking world) and figure shit out.  Seriously a man hit a fucking golf ball on the Moon, if we can do that, we can get people producing shit again, it shouldn’t be this hard (and yes, that is what she said).  Rant over.

As for news today, the G20 Summit continues to dominate headlines with G20 members all trying to find the right spot to make their currencies come together.  At the meetings, China and the US keep going back and forth about whose currency devaluation is fucking the global economy worse in the least interesting game of “He Said-She Said” since any of those awful Meg Ryan-Tom Hanks movies.  China claims that QE2 will have dire implications not just on their economy but the economies of other developing countries as well and will be disruptive enough to potentially cause their citizens to be forced to dine on three helpings of cock soup a day for sustenance.  Meanwhile, the US claims that China is just being a bunch of fucking asshats by artificially keeping their currency low enough to make US products uncompetitive.  Money McBags is sure nothing will come out of this, like a euthanized penis, but he fully expects the end of the G20 to feature many hand shakes, smiles, and pats on the back because hey, free weekend vacation.

Aside from playing currency chicken with China (and Money McBags believes “currency chicken” is also #84 on your local Chinese restaurant’s menu), the US and South Korea failed to work out a free trade pact. The biggest sticking point involves auto imports where South Korea continues to insist on stringent emissions standards for vehicles and the US continues to insist that South Korea shut the fuck up.  Also up for negotiation are tariffs and restrictions on US beef exports to South Korea which were raised a few years ago after an outbreak of Mad Cow disease (from the Latin “Pissedoffious RoseanneBarrium”).  Failing to seal the deal with South Korea may keep Obama from the cool kid’s table at the G20 meeting.

Internationally, the cost of debt in Ireland continues to soar with five-year credit default swaps on Irish government debt rising by 29 bps to 607 bps, as the Irish economy sputters worse than the Statutes of Kilkenny in the late Middle Ages.  Money McBags keeps saying it but Europe is nowhere near as solvent as people who shout really loudly might think it is so be very very careful about getting involved in anything European, unless it is Veronica Varekova.

As said earlier, CSCO tumbled ~15% today after announcing a quarter that missed all kinds of guesses as apparently CEO John Chambers has moved from being “unusually uncertain” to pretty fucking certain that the economy remains shitty.  Chambers warned of short-term challenges in Europe, in public sector spending, and in the marketing plans for Phillip R. Greaves’ opus.   CSCO also saw weakness among its most important customer segment of service providers which is about as good for their business as shotgunning cans of Four Loko is for college students’ memories of where they left their pants the night before.

2011 revenue growth guidance was 9%-12%, below analyst guesses of 13% and guidance for Q2 earnings per share was $.32 to $.35 well below analyst guesses of $.42.  According to CEO Chambers: “We got a couple of air pockets here that surprised us, and I wish we were smarter on that,” though Money McBags is sure Chambers prefers that it was air pockets and not Alabama hot pockets causing the problems (and Money McBags does not recommend you click on that link.  It’s safe for work, but probably not safe for your common decency, just don’t blame the messenger).

In other market news, after taking off their figurative Jimmy hats,  Siemens spewed upward after forecasting growth and raising their dividend.  The company is increasing its dividend from 1.60 euro to 2.70 euro which is the first increase since 2007 and has investors receiving bigger shots of money from their Siemens shares.

Viacom was up after better than expected results thanks to their MTV unit led by “Jersey Shore” which simply breathed on competition and gave them all fiscal herpes.  Wal*Mart said they will be offering free shipping on 60k items this holiday season including cardboard boxes to smaller competitors who will likely be put out of business by this move.  An analyst from Cleveland Research warned that WMT is struggling to hit their topline and this free shipping move reeks more of desperation than an overweight single 30 year old woman flying solo at a wedding.  Finally, LVLT won a multi year deal with NFLX and rocketed up because anything that touches Netflix turns to whatever is more expensive than gold (such as Bar Rafaeli‘s vagina).  That said, there are over 1.3B people in China and if all of them sign up for at least two Netflix memberships, then NFLX will be properly valued.

As for small cap stocks, ZAGG was down ~13% and Money McBags listened to their conference call and thought it was OKish.  Money McBags still has some questions so he’s waiting for the transcript of the call to come out to make sure he heard them correctly before he breaks it down.  They demolished guesses but didn’t raise guidance which is one red flag (unless Money McBags missed that part of the call, and as always, he multi-tasks when on earnings calls so sometimes he is so focused on guessing muffs that he misses a few minutes here and there), the other is trying to understand what the fuck they were babbling about with their patent acquisitions and investment in HzO which somehow will let people use their iPhones underwater (which seems about as practical as making iPhones work under the gravity of the planet Uranus, but whatever).  Money McBags hopes to have his analysis of them tomorrow but time has not been his friend lately.