Daily report
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5/25/10 Midafternoon Report: Volatility causes market to go up and down faster than a time constrained fluff girl
The markets sold off hard again today until the late afternoon with the the sell off being caused by Europe going to zero, financial reform, and now fucking North Korea dropping a turd in the proverbial kimchee bowl, and the hardness being caused by the market having grabbed a workout with Amanda Carrier. So la-di-fucking-da.
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5/24/10 Midafternoon Report: American xenophobes shout “I told you so!” as european fears send US markets tumbling
Stocks were mostly flat today like they had no gaussian curvature or had Heidi Montag‘s singing voice until they took a nosedive over the final 30 minutes of trading. Existing home sales in the US rose by 7.6% and bested analyst guesses thanks to the first time home buyers tax credit, foreclosure auctions, and promises
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5/21/10 Midafternoon Report: Market rebounds, now it needs to stop missing shots
The market was up today as apparently it has been corrected like Stevie Wonder’s vision or Larry Craig’s family values. With Europe now fixed, unemployment shrinking, and monkeys flying out Money McBags butt, it should be back to lobster tails and BJs in no time. The good news is that nothing has really changed between
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5/20/10 Midafternoon Report: S&P slides closer to next technical level of 0, most economists predict a bounce from there.
Fucking Europe. Seriously. First they tried to tax us without letting us represent ourselves and you know what, we don’t play that way. Then they got all upitty and burned down the White House while poor little James Madison sat on his gelding and got his S’mores on. And after that we’ve had to bail
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5/19/10 Midafternoon Report: VIX shoots up, claims it doesn’t have a problem, just wants to try to take its mind off global recession
The market got clobbered again today (until a closing minutes rally) like it insulted Preston Brooks’ uncle or like it had one too many shots of tequila while watching the donkey show. Investors continue to fear the impending doom of Europe with their quaint monetary system, silly accents, and love of black jeans. However, macro
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5/18/10 Midafternoon Report: If you want to short in Germany, you now have to wear pants
The markets fell again today as US macro news was mediocre at best, fears in China have risen from red alert to Kung Pao levels, and Germany has banned naked short selling of stocks and CDS (though you are still encouraged to get long Salzgitter and Money McBags’ “salzgitter” would get very long for Sonya
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5/17/10 Midafternoon Report: The Euro is falling! The Euro is falling!
The market was somehow flat today after spending most of the day down again as the perilousness of Europe’s debt situation continues to worry investors like laryngitis worries Pavarotti or like coming in to contact with Paris Hilton worries osmophobes. Not only is Europe raining ash on the market’s parade (both literally and figuratively, though
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5/14/10 Midafternoon Report: Market loses again but Nets and Knicks still said to be interested
Oh shit, the market sunk today like Bernie Madoff’s grandchildren’s hopes and dreams or like a booze cruise captained by Joseph Hazelwood. Just when you thought investors had forgotten about Greece like John Edwards forgot about dignity (though perhaps he never had any) or Britney Spears forgot about underwear, it is back in the news
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5/13/10 Midafternoon Report: Market down as Prozac prescription runs out, or common sense prevails, take your pick
The market bounced around today before closing down as it seemingly takes a breather from a week so volatile that it caused quants to come out of the closet and question their autoregressive conditional heteroskedasticity (but that is what they get for having a GARCH model and not Brooklyn Decker as the centerfold for last
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5/12/10 Midevening Report: Gold hits record high causing a run on Flavor Flav’s teeth
The markets were on fucking fire today as investors shook off the historic drop last Thursday, apparently confident that the SEC looking in to the causes of the sell off will yield answers other than the current ones whch include: “Beats me,” “How the fuck should I know,” “and hey look, it’s Enrico Pallazzo!” The