Daily report
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1/22/10 Midday Report: Volcker? I hardly even know her.
The market continues to sell off as fears grow that Obama’s financial service regulation will limit the profitability of the banks who nearly destroyed the global financial system. How fucking dare he try to regulate these fine bastions of our economy who did nothing to deserve this other than invent complex derivatives based on loans
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1/21/10 Midday Report: With healthcare solved, Obama to take on banking industry
The big news spooking the market today is Obama’s unknown plan to try to regulate banks. He is now said to be giving former Fed Chairman Paul Volcker the keys to palace and Volcker is rumored to be getting all Glass-Steagall on bankers’s asses telling them they can’t trade financial securities using their own deposits.
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1/20/10 Midday Report: China flexes pimp hand and vows to curb lending, businesses cower in the corner and promise to work harder for daddy
The big news bringing the market down today is that China is beginning to realize they may have a bit of a bubble on their hands as they opened up their fortune cookie last night and saw their fortune was written on the back of a yuan (as for the fortune, it said “man who
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1/19/10 Midday Report: Citigroup? More like Shitigroup (and yes, i’ll be here all week so don’t forget to tip the waitstaff)
The market is rising on news of Citigroup putting up another quarter so bad that even Dan Brown refused to write the press release (and that is seriously bad since that guy was more than happy to put his name on a shitstain like the DaVinci Code. And not to ruin the book for you,
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1/15/10 Midday Report: JPM sends the market down on estimate beat, promises to do worse next time
It is a bizarre day on the market today as INTC crushed numbers and is down, JP Morgan turned a huge profit, yet disappointed, and the dollar actually gained last night as apparently Amanda Drury was at the New York Rick’s Cabaret and only accepted the local currency (ok, the last one may not have
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1/14/10 Midday Report: Market taunts macroeconomy, tells it to go back to its room until it comes out with a better number
The macro news today mostly missed expectations, but the market seems to be shrugging it off like an alcoholic shrugs off a jagermeister induced hangover (and that is by taking a massive dump and then getting back on the wagon). Retail sales were down .3% for the month of December, while expectations were for a
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1/13/10 Midday Report: Google threatens to pull out of China, claims “not properly protected,” but does offer to finish on China’s back
With macro news today apparently scarcer than free speech in Chinese search engines or free standing buildings in Haiti (too soon?), the big news moving the market is Google’s threat to leave China after China left the toilet seat up one too many times and refused to take out the trash. Google’s panties are currently
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1/12/10 Midday Report: China trying to cool economy, hires Justin Timberlake to dole out stimulus funds
The big macro news today is that China raised the reserve ratio that banks need to hold aside as deposits, signalling that China’s central bank is starting to become acutely aware of inflation concerns (whereas the world is starting to become acutely aware of Christina Hendricks‘ “concerns”). Given that China is going to spend roughly
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1/11/10 Midday Report: China: More than just putting pee pee in coke
The news on the markets today is that China’s economy continues to soar like the Netherlands did in 1637 thanks to tulips or like Money McBags’ johnson did earlier today thanks to two lips. China’s exports rose 18% and was up for the first time in over a year leading chelation therapists all across the
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1/08/10 Midday Report: Market shakes off unemployment reports, claims those people are just lazy
The big news of the day is that the Labor Department, led by Hilda Solis whose name is an anagram for the upcoming Snoop Dogg swine flu dis track titled “Hos said ill,” came out with their jobs report for December which showed a loss of 85k jobs. This was worse than expectations and held