Finance humor
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1/30/11 Two Day After Report: Protests in Egypt Cause Market to Take It in The Sphinxter
Holy(land) shit did the market sell off on Friday as civil (or more exactly, uncivil) unrest overran the streets of Egypt like Ben Bernanke overran the Fed’s printing presses or hepatitis C overran Pam Anderson’s liver. Protesters were apparently frustrated by government corruption, economic stagnation, a lack of political freedom, and Ehsan Hatem El-Kirdany‘s refusal
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1/20/11 Midnight Report: When All Else Fails, Just Buy The Dip
The market was down strong in the morning as both fears of rising inflation in China and common sense seemed to hurt sentiment, but then like a phoenix rising from the ashes (though luckily not River Phoenix rising from his ashes, because that would have been weird) investors stopped adjusting their bollinger bands, refused to
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1/1/11 Midnight Report: Data Speaks Softly, Will Earnings Carry a Big Stick?
It was a fairly quiet day on the market as investors get ready for earnings season, brace for an East Coast snow storm, and actively try to bet on which porn star Charlie Sheen will bang next (and for the record, Money McBags is taking Gracie Glam, in the kitchen, with his lead pipe). That
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1/5/11 Midnight Report: Dip Bought
The market got its schwerve back on today by buying the dip as if the dip were going to cure cancer, reveal the meaning of life, and lead to a threesome with Kayla Collins and Sara Underwood (who as always, can get under Money McBags’ wood whenever she pleases). So forget about unemployment, forget about
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1/4/11 Midnight Report: Will the Dips Buy?
Ruh roh. After yesterday’s euphoria around the new year wiping the economic slate clean, investors woke up and realized that, well, a new year does not wipe the economic slate clean and unemployment remains unhealthily high (and as unhealthily high as if it had shared a needle with Gia Carangi), housing prices have either already
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1/3/11 Midnight Report: Just Another Panic Monday for Shorts, Will Tomorrow be Their Funday?
The market ran today like Ben Bernanke was giving out free money (which um, he kind of is, as long as you have already proven that you are untrustworthy and have bad judgment), or giving out free shares of Facebook (which at this rate will be valued higher than an original copy of Birds of
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A Visit From St. Bernanke
— Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the White House Not a politician was stirring, not even a louse; The economy was flung by Timmy without care, In hopes that St. Bernanke soon would be there; — The regulators were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of trannies danced in their