Greece
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6/11/10 Midday Report: Retail sales drop as stores still insist on charging money
The market has been relatively quiet today after yesterday’s meteoric rise on news less relevant than the Pound-Dong exchange rate (and oddly enough Pound Dong was also the name of Alexis Texas‘ last movie) or the 93rd decimal of Pi (which incidentally is 2). In US macro news, consumer sentiment was better than analysts guessed,
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5/26/10 Midevening Report: Market diagnosed with Meniere’s disease as it can’t stop falling
The market tried to rally today like a drunken hobo lying in a pool of his own vomit reaching for the discarded fifth of whiskey by his side to try to taste one last drop. Unfortunately the last drop turned out to be another hobo’s urine as Money McBags hasn’t seen a rally less believable
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5/20/10 Midafternoon Report: S&P slides closer to next technical level of 0, most economists predict a bounce from there.
Fucking Europe. Seriously. First they tried to tax us without letting us represent ourselves and you know what, we don’t play that way. Then they got all upitty and burned down the White House while poor little James Madison sat on his gelding and got his S’mores on. And after that we’ve had to bail
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5/18/10 Midafternoon Report: If you want to short in Germany, you now have to wear pants
The markets fell again today as US macro news was mediocre at best, fears in China have risen from red alert to Kung Pao levels, and Germany has banned naked short selling of stocks and CDS (though you are still encouraged to get long Salzgitter and Money McBags’ “salzgitter” would get very long for Sonya
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5/14/10 Midafternoon Report: Market loses again but Nets and Knicks still said to be interested
Oh shit, the market sunk today like Bernie Madoff’s grandchildren’s hopes and dreams or like a booze cruise captained by Joseph Hazelwood. Just when you thought investors had forgotten about Greece like John Edwards forgot about dignity (though perhaps he never had any) or Britney Spears forgot about underwear, it is back in the news
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5/6/10 Midafternoon Report: Europe to be the new Australia as european debt falls “down under”
The market continues to sell off as Angela Merkel happily plays her fiddle atop the Zugspitze while Europe burns below. The debt crisis in Europe continues to gain momentum like it has an improbable, though theoretically possible, coefficient of restitution greater than one or as if it were running for office with the promise that
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5/5/10 Midday Report: Investors celebrate May 5th with Sink-o de Marketo celebration
Buenos dias on this lovely Cinqo de Mayo as investors smack the market like a pinata in hopes of breaking it open to catch some falling CDS. Things remain ugly today as Europe is still on the verge of going bankrupt thanks to Greece’s steroidal Wimpy strategy of having a gyro today while promising to
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5/4/10 Midafternoon Report: Monty Python to rewrite script as somebody expects the Spanish Inquisition
Timberrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. The market is trading down as if Europe is going to go bankrupt like John Edward’s morals or like investors think it will give them AIDS (which means Magic Johnson is happily buying today since he can’t be infected again). The news continues to be fears that even with austerity measures and a bailout,
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5/3/10 Midafternoon Report: Consumer spending up as sales of moral hazard increase (though to be fair it does come in blue this season)
Stocks are off to the races again today and the good news is that the market is seemingly being ridden by Calvin Borel. Sending the market up is that Greece is once again set to be bailed out, Warren Buffet was out defending Goldman Sachs, and people are spending more than they earn. Hold on
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4/30/10 Midday Report: Biggest swinging dick on the Street may land in aptly named penal colony as criminal investigation launches on Goldman
The markets are down today due to mostly inline GDP, more shenanigans in Greece, further investigation in to Goldman Sachs, and gravity. GDP for Q1 was released and the economy expanded by 3.2% thanks to consumer spending which was up 3.6% and interestingly enough coincided with the release of KFC’s Double Down thereby spiking sales