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6/7/10 Midafternoon Report: Hold on to your shorts as market continues on wild ride down
The market was chugging along today, taking a brief respite to lick its wounds after Friday’s jobs report gave even the most virulent Bull a bad case of Foot in the Mouth disease, until it dropped precipitously in the last half hour like Helen Thomas’ reputation at a B’nai B’rith fundraiser. With Europe’s ongoing
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5/28/10 Midafternoon Report: Market falls after basque-ing in Spain’s downgrade
Money McBags has been busy so today’s report will be brief, like the Anglo-Zanzibar war of 1896 or Gary Coleman’s remaining days (what, too soon?). The market tanked again and closed down 8% for the month of May which is the worst May in 48 years which was so long ago that the Hulk comic
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5/3/10 Midafternoon Report: Consumer spending up as sales of moral hazard increase (though to be fair it does come in blue this season)
Stocks are off to the races again today and the good news is that the market is seemingly being ridden by Calvin Borel. Sending the market up is that Greece is once again set to be bailed out, Warren Buffet was out defending Goldman Sachs, and people are spending more than they earn. Hold on
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4/30/10 Midday Report: Biggest swinging dick on the Street may land in aptly named penal colony as criminal investigation launches on Goldman
The markets are down today due to mostly inline GDP, more shenanigans in Greece, further investigation in to Goldman Sachs, and gravity. GDP for Q1 was released and the economy expanded by 3.2% thanks to consumer spending which was up 3.6% and interestingly enough coincided with the release of KFC’s Double Down thereby spiking sales
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4/28/10 Midafternoon Report: The debt claims in Spain fall mainly down the drain
Same shit, different day. The markets continue to bounce around on news of Europe’s impending doom, though this time not by the Daleks or the smell emanating from Posh Spice‘s girl power, but rather from bankruptcy. While Angela Merkel continues to tease Europe’s proverbial cock with her low cut dresses and constant pledging of support
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4/27/10 Midafternoon Report: If Greece is now junk, what does that make Haiti?
The market is down today as Standard and Poor’s downgraded Portugal to a principality and Greek to junk and not the the kind in a trunk that most investors love, but good old fashioned junk. It was the first time since the advent of the Euro that a European country has lost its investment grade
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4/20/10 Midday Report: Goldman blows quarter out, then offers to blow SEC Chief of Enforcement Robert Khuzami as part of “settlement”
The markets are modestly higher today despite a blow out quarter by Goldman as other blue chip companies mostly met expectations and meeting expectations after an 80% market rally is like trying to impress Grigori Perelman with long division or Tommy Lee with a Hawaiian Tropic girl. The big news is obviously that Goldman released
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4/19/10 Midafternoon Report: Goldman causing Wall Street to rethink how they do business, instituting “no more e-mail” rule
The market is teetering again as the big news remains the SEC’s charges of fraud against Goldman Sachs. These charges have Money McBags giddier than a emetophiliac at a Phillies game because Goldman has long been manipulating the markets while massaging the government’s taint to get away with it. The best part about this
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4/16/10 Midafternoon Report: Goldman Craps
Oh no they didn’t. The SEC apparently found their shriveled ballsac hidden in Meaghan Cheung’s now empty desk and hired Faye Reagan to skillfully tickle it back to life which has led the re-testosteroned agency to go after the biggest turd in the punchbowl, Goldman fucking Sachs. Holy shit is it on. The government hasn’t
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1/21/10 Midday Report: With healthcare solved, Obama to take on banking industry
The big news spooking the market today is Obama’s unknown plan to try to regulate banks. He is now said to be giving former Fed Chairman Paul Volcker the keys to palace and Volcker is rumored to be getting all Glass-Steagall on bankers’s asses telling them they can’t trade financial securities using their own deposits.