The market anxiously awaits Ben Bernanke’s language on interest rates today after the FOMC meeting (and at the meeting, I am told they are serving GDP growth with a side of bank lending, while the kitchen has been told explicitly to hold the Rates, make sure there is absolutely no inflation, and to not put any smiley face cupcakes out).  Bernanke’s language in the FOMC minutes will be analyzed in greater detail than the dead sea scrolls, Natalie Portman’s nude scene in Hotel Chevalier, and Tiger Woods’ appointment book.  Newsflash: He’s going to hold rates steady for at least another fucking year, because, you know, banks hate lending when they have to pay more than 0% and the stimulus is wearing off like the scent of last night’s hooker, I mean advice columnist.  And with the CPI out showing core inflation to be flatter than the demand for a perfectly elastic good (Giffen goods be damned), rates don’t need to move anywhere yet.

And speaking of Bernanke, he apparently has been named Time’s Person of the Year narrowly beating out President Obama, your own Money McBags, and Ernie Anastos, so keep fucking that chicken Benny boy.  Female PhD students of economics everywhere are said to be anxiously awaiting the centerfold pictures to go with the article to see just how expansionary Bernanke’s “monetary policy” really is.  So Ben, just make sure you don’t keep rates too low for too long and reinflate Greenspan’s folly.

In stock news, Intel is being sued by the FTC for being a big bully and threatening to take the other chip companies’ lunch money if they spoke out of turn, while Iconix Brand (ICON) turned out to be just a stock tease in their attempt to buy Playboy (PLA)(though just for the articles).  This never would have happened were Hugh Hefner still alive.

The market awaits Bernanke’s meeting notes this afternoon, so hold on to your seats as what he says will mean absolutely nothing to you in one week.

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