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It’s Not You, It’s Money McBags

Dear Readers,

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We all knew this day would eventually come, and unfortunately Money McBags is not talking about the end of Ben Bernanke’s “Reign of Error” or the Lindsay Lohan sex tape.   What Money McBags is talking about is his going back to work (well at least the kind of work that requires him to leave the comforts of his dining room, wear pants, and not spend all day thinking of puns for Kocherlakota or googling such important things as “downblouse” and “fat finger”) and thus ending this phase of the award winning When Genius Prevailed.  Trust Money McBags, this hurts him more than a purple nurple hurts Christina Hendricks as he feels like he has built something more special and unique than Enron’s accounting, the Sphinx, or Kim Kardashian’s ass, but alas, he has to eat, and other than his readers’ dignity, the award winning When Genius Prevailed has remained without monetary considerations.

It is a bittersweet decision because Money McBags’ huge cockled heart will always be with you, the readers, and writing a daily financial dick joke column for the past 1.5 years (holy fuck has it been that long?) is something that has started to define Money McBags and his life in ways that make him both blush and rage at the dying of his might have been career.  As most of you know, Money McBags started the award winning When Genius Prevailed after the hedge fund he worked for shut down (and not because of performance, but because the guy pulling the purse strings was not only pulling many other purse strings but is also what Money McBags believes is referred to in common vernacular as a “fucking scumbag who deserves to get leper AIDS of his penis”) and he needed an outlet for his creativity and basically a way to stay sharper than the tongue of the most cunning linguists such as Groucho Marx, Winston Churchill, and Portia Di Rossi.

Money McBags also wanted to pull off the buyside’s gaff and expose its hairy taint for retail investors to see how professionals evaluate companies (and yes, Money McBags just referred to himself as a professional which likely caused Benjamin Graham to roll over in his moderately priced grave and the polyamorous one to hide under his reputation, but whatever).  By forcing himself to write about the market on a daily basis, Money McBags made sure that he stayed on top of things (though he would have rather stayed on top of this) in what was the most brutal job market for investment analysts since, well, since ever, and to be honest, it made him hella better.  Putting out what grew from 800 words to >2k words a day for the entire world to read made him double and triple check everything because the column would never have worked if the information was off point.

And through it all, Money McBags found a voice and a niche, and traffic on the award winning When Genius Prevailed grew 20%+ a month, all through word of mouth (though unfortunately the word wasn’t “harder” and the mouth it was coming from wasn’t Marisa Miller‘s).  Including the reads Money McBags gets on Zerohedge, between 6k and 20k people a day now read his column (though as most of those readers stay on Zerohedge, he has less ability to monetize that traffic through shitty google ads than Larry Summers has the ability to not be a cocksnot).  And all of it started by just going to something called blogspot (this is the original website which is more of an eyesore than Amy Winehouse’s teeth or Jerome Kerviel‘s trading record) and putting up analysis and dick jokes day after day after day.

Sure Money McBags could have given it a go with newsletter but he didn’t think he quite had the scale (though it was getting there and there was interest both from readers and from people looking to fund it) and newsletters are all about marketing and Money McBags has less interest in marketing than GE has in paying taxes or Antonio Cromartie has in wearing a condom.  There was even interest in having him put out a newsletter without the dick jokes but that would have been like asking Picasso to paint without colors, the Treasury to make a decision without Goldman Sachs’ approval, or Camille Crimson to work without swallowing, so Money McBags politely declined.

While Money McBags did surpass his goal of 1MM readers (yep, read that again, over 1MM people in the last year and a half read Money McBags’ columns, even if some of them came to the award winning When Genius Prevailed by googling such esoteric economic theories such as “gum drop butt plug” and “midgets girls ass holes” (and yes, those were real searches)), there was just no money in it.  Shit, Money McBags allowed the guys behind this to hire an actor and shoot a couple of webisodes of his material that actually worked pretty fucking well, and that was supposed to start as a weekly series this past week, but right now, that has been pushed back a bit and Money McBags is now off to other ventures (those other ventures being working for the man to pay his rent).  But Money McBags has no doubt it could have worked (and it still might if he can find the time) because he writes his column like a slightly dirtier financial Daily Show (though watch the Daily Show and count the bleeps and you’ll be surprised how dirty that has become) only without that annoying douchey British guy and with more tits.

But let’s not dwell on what might have been, let’s dwell on what was.  Money McBags’ cockriffic 1 year anniversary column did a nice job summarizing his accomplishments and since then he has continued to crank out columns dealing with the most important financial issues of the day.

He tackled the meltdown in Japan with columns such as Market Has a Japanic Attack and Market hit by a Spoogenami.

He opined on the Middle East unrest with columns such as Big Flaps in Mid East May Require Libyaplasty and Protests in Egypt Cause Market to Take It in The Sphinxter, both of which will likely win posthumous Pulitzer Awards.

His monthly jobs report columns contain more detail, analysis, insight, and boobs than Nouriel Roubini running a regression at a Rick’s Cabaret.  He is sure it was required reading at the B(L)S and the SEC as soon as they finished their day’s work.

He has also written extensively about US macro news including columns about the Fed’s fallacious (and perhaps fellatious) use of core inflation such as Retail Sales Rotten at the Core while also writing about US economic policy such as Rich Guys Vote To Extend Tax Cuts For Rich, Laughter Trickles Down to Middle Class.

He wrote poems, he interviewed CEOs, and as he is one of the top 5 small cap analysts alive he has done deep dives in to many small companies where he obliterated anything the sell side has ever dreamed of doing by making sweet love to QCOR’s revenue numbers (and he is told Institutional Investor will be giving him their new “awesomeness” award for that one), verbally penetrating KITD’s dilutive deals and growth strategy, and anally pounding ZAGG in ways that would make Bree Olson jealous.  His small cap analysis has made the award winning When Genius Prevailed something the Street and retail investors have never seen as Money McBags has had no agenda other than to try to make money and spread the love (and he has been successful in that, so don’t forget to tip your analyst).

He has also tried different things such as an Oscar themed-column, fucking around with spammers, and introducing the world to the NSFW Femen Movement, NSFW Muff Guessing, and the barely SFW Brooklyn Decker nude pics.

And Money McBags hasn’t just tried to titillate and inform, but he has created an entirely new style of writing on the internet where he has flipped the Gawker model on it’s head by inserting funny/odd stories in to the actual text of his column (usually with the subtlety and panache of an Andrea Musser jail visit) instead of the much easier and lazier practice of posting a funny/odd story and riffing on that.

And the thing is Money McBags has had no editors, no fact checkers, no substitutes, no co-authors, no class, and no real input from anyone as to what he should write about in his columns.  He’s just a guy who sat in his dining room all day by himself dick joking and assfucking the market like the sweet little vixen that it is and hoping people would find it funny and interesting and come back for more.  It was like walking a fucking tight rope everyday with the wind blowing stronger than Kelly Madison in a MILF Hunter video as before he posted them, Money McBags had absolutely no idea if his daily columns would fall flat on their proverbial faces.

Money McBags could keep tooting his own horn, but he will digress because as any good analyst knows, one can’t be as backward looking as a politician.  Most importantly, this is not a sad time as Money McBags is going to work for what he considers to be one of the top hedge funds on the Street.  Honestly, if you were to ask Money McBags what three hedge funds he would want to work for, this fund would be one, two, and three.  Shit, Money McBags can’t believe that they were not only hiring, but that he made it through 400+ resumes, five rounds of interviews, two write-ups, and a full colonoscopy (though that last one was just for fun).  More than anything though, after making the final round of interviews for every fucking fund he found that was hiring only to be shitcanned at the end as most funds are gaping vaginas and decide to take the safe route and give the offer to the “employed guy coming from the bigger fund”, Money McBags is glad this fund judged him for the content of his content and not the off-coloredness of his spin.

But it is truly an amazing country we live in (as opposed to a delicious cunt tree) where a simple guy with a love of investing can go from writing dick jokes in his dining room one day to investing millions at a time the next day as one of a handful of investment professionals at a fund with several billion dollars (and yes, that is what is happening.  You all know how hedge funds work so do the math on that and understand why Money McBags can’t turn this down.  And yes, Money McBags will be performing the same exact equity research he wrote here for free, only now he will be investing $10MM+ at a time in these names.  It is stranger than Liz Taylor’s eyebrows or the B(L)S’ birth-death model and Money McBags can’t figure out if he is now more Horatio Alger or Walter fucking Mitty, but he hopes more the former than the later).

And the most bizarre thing is that while Money McBags’ job search had for months been barer than the Sahara desert or the Shannon sisters on Hef’s birthday, in a 24 hour span the other week, several other opportunities came back as positive, including one very outside the box (and if it had been outside of Rosie Jones‘ box, perhaps he would have accepted it).

Anyway, Money McBags doesn’t know what the future will hold for the award winning When Genius Prevailed.  He is not starting his new job for another few weeks and he intended to write new columns until then but after taking a vacation last week to celebrate finally having income again and being able to eat and breathe, he realized that he needs some time off to get re-energized as writing this column has left him more mentally drained than Terry Schiavio or Michelle Bachman.  He puts everything he has in to every column he writes as he always wants his next one to be the best one and thus he places unbelievable pressure on himself to deliver insightful analysis, original dick jokes, and new need to know information every fucking day and that is more taxing than Belgium.

Here’s an exercise for all of you.  Now here’s another one, sit down today, look at your blank screen, and then try to come up with ~2k words on the market that will be funny, informative, and get people to come back for more.  Now do this just about everyday the market is open for 1.5 years.  It is absolutely grueling, and Money McBags was literally spending 8-10 hours a day on each column (in addition to looking for a job for 5 to 6 hours), so he needs some him time.  That said, there was nothing more rewarding than finishing a daily column and knowing that some random person in the world would now be more familiar with the cockposterous way the Fed has been managing the US ponzeconomy™ or the long-term viability Alice Eve‘s best assets.

Right now, all Money McBags knows is that the daily column will unfortunately die, as will any kind of detailed individual company research, but he would still like to put out a weekend macro round up if time permits and may just turn to twitter during the day for quick bits of goodness.  A weekly webisode is still an option too, but it is too early to tell.  Money McBags will know more in a couple of months as he get re-acclimated to wearing pants during the day and using his slave name, but he will be checking his email indefinitely (moneymcbags@gmail.com) and is always happy to continue to interact with readers.

To the CEOs Money McBags has talked with both on and off the record, Money McBags appreciates all of your help and next time you are at a conference and some guy asks a really cocktacular question, look next to that guy for a dude thoroughly engrossed in his iPhone and that will be Money McBags furiously donating to charity.

To the portfolio managers who ping Money McBags on email all day long, the freebies are now over.  Sorry, you all had your chance to hire Money McBags (and for cheap too) but he’ll be sure to not say hi when he runs in to you at conferences.

To the readers, well, Money McBags couldn’t have done any of this without you.  And even though he usually ends that line with a “well he could have, but it wouldn’t have been as fun,” that simply is not true.  It has been a shitriffic last year and a half for Money McBags and without this daily column pushing him to stay sharp and forcing him to put out good analysis, his career likely would have been deader than Bernie Madoff’s trading desk.  And without you readers continuing to come to the award winning When Genius Prevailed or seeking Money McBags out on Zerohedge and letting him know you liked a joke of his or some piece of analysis he did, he’s not sure that he would have been able to keep at it.  So a sincere thank you to those of you who powered through Money McBags’ thoughts on the Fed and small cap stocks everyday (even if it was just to get another glimpse at Jessica Pare), he has much love for your time and dignity.

While a famous bard once wrote that “parting is such sweet sorrow,” that bard obviously never parted any of Kelly Brook‘s orifices (or is it orifi?) and thus parting is not necessarily a sad time, rather it is a very joyous occasion because Money McBags will now have a shit ton of resources and millions of dollars to put behind his ideas, so for one final time, jizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

It’s hard to say goodbye, and Money McBags hopes to be back in some form later on so check back for details, but for now he is going to gently ride off in to the sunset as genius has finally prevailed.

To the fucking pain, loyal readers, to the fucking pain,

Money McBags

4/7/10 Midnight Report: Budget? We Don’t Need No Stinking Budget

The market stumbled a bit today on news of a potential government shutdown (and politicians quibbling over a $40B budget difference is like someone quibbling over Brooklyn Decker‘s SAT scores because in the big picture, it is more irrelevant than Donald Trump), a new earthquake hitting Japan (luckily no damage was done but the Pacific plates continue to move faster than the plates on Hakuhō Shō’s table at an all you can eat Benihana), and the name of the year ballot being released which caused traders to ignore the market and furiously google Mr. Moe Lester (and for the record, Money McBags thinks Yu Arafuka will edge out Mercedes Bunz at the buzzer, though it was good to see old WGP friend Madz Negro get some more props).

Either way the market is bouncing up against three year highs despite the recovery of the ponzeconomy™ being more of an illusion than the Fraser Spiral or Ben Bernanke’s grasp of inflation (or deflation, or anyfuckingflation), and with both the VIX going down faster than Sasha Grey on a casting couch and short interest dwindling like Money McBags’ material (hey, you try writing a daily dick joke column on the market every business day for 16 months and see how long you can come up with original jokes for weekly new claims for unemployment, the PPI, and Alan Greenspan’s taint), the market is due for a sell off (that is if anyone other than computer driven algorithms actually own any equities).

The big macro news of the day was obviously that Katrina Bowden showed up on the delightful meinmyplace.  The second biggest news was that the government is on the verge of a shutdown (and we all know what happened the last time the government shut down, so um, let Money McBags know if Obama buddy Robert Titcomb (and yes Money McBags wrote Titcomb) is in charge of the White House’s “Shut Down” party because Money McBags would like to get an invite to that).  That said, the House passed a bill to keep the government funded for another week on the conditions of $12 billion in spending cuts and Nancy Pelosi being sent to her room without dinner (or botox).  But even if the bill passes the Senate, it will be vetoed by the President who is still trying to iron out a compromise where the budget doesn’t get cut and Republicans go fuck themselves, so as you can see, it is a very tricky compromise to negotiate.  Not only are 800k government jobs threatened by the potential cuts (including park rangers, contractors, and bank CEOs) but important departments such as the B(L)S will be shuttered leaving the administration to manipulate data the old fashioned way, by pulling it out of their own asses.  Money McBags is sure a compromise will be reached though so government officials can go back to getting paid to do nothing rather than not getting paid to do something (that something of course being bitching and moaning about maybe having to find a real job).

In actual macro news, initial claims for unemployment fell by 10k from 388k to 382k in the B(L)S’ constant disregard for mathematical laws and believability.  As usual, last week’s 388k was revised up to 392k in the “Hold the shock and hope for no awe” strategy that has been more of a stunning success for the government than Social Security (until sometime around 2030, but lets not dwell on the negative).  Analysts guessed that the number would be 385k, but they are only what is one chromosome short of human, so you have to forgive them for their miss.  But riddle Money McBags this (because he is neither a macroeconomist nor plays one on TV), if ~380k people per week are making new claims for unemployment, that implies ~1.5MM people a month are losing their jobs, and yet from the (No) Labor Department’s Labor Force Participation Rate report released last Friday, the economy added only ~216k jobs and the unemployment rate went down.  So um, 1.5MM people a month are new unemployment receivers but the unemployment rate is going down on 216k new jobs being added, can someone explain the lunacy of those numbers since they seem to make less sense when looked at together than Christina Hendricks and this reject from the Sweat Hogs.

Elsewhere, US retail sales rose an unexpected 1.7% in March, easily beating analyst guesses of a .7% decline. but as we know, using gaussian models to forecast an extreme world works about as well as Armenia’s internet or abstinence, so the fact that analysts actually arrived a a whole number should be considered a victory.  In addition to retail sales rising, consumer credit was up more than guesses as US consumer borrowing jumped for a fifth straight month, driven by non-revolving credit such as student loans, car loans, and insanity.  But not to worry because Fed President Lacker (Lacker? Money McBags hardly even knows her, though if this were her, he would lack away) said the stimulus should unwind by year end thanks to the momentum in economic growth which turns out to be directly fucking tied to the stimulus not going away, so um, yeah.

Internationally, the ECB raised rates by 25bps to 125bps as they worry about rising prices on things such as food, gas, and Portugal.  While an increase in rates will mean better returns for the 3 people still with savings, it will make it harder for the now officially bankrupt countries like Portugal (and the unofficially bankrupt countries like all of them except for Germany) to continue to raise funding at non-exorbitant rates.

And speaking of Portugal, they are negotiating a bailout of somewhere between 75B euros and “we’re really fucked” euros, with those close to the situation thinking it will be closer to the “we’re fucked” amount.  It’s not clear if Portugal will need to seek bilateral loans (and the loans will be so bilateral that they will take money from other loans of the same gender) until the bailout is agreed upon, or if they will have to put Sara Kostov up as collateral.  So with Portugal getting bailed out, 3 of the little PIIGS have had the “Big Bad WTF were they doing?” blow their economies down.  Next up Italy and Spain, that is if they can wake anyone up long enough from their work week siesta to give a shit.

In the market, CSCO continues to struggle as CEO John Chambers’ “Foot in Mouth” Tour (with soon to be featured speakers George Allen and Rex Ryan) proceeds with abandon (the abandon being shareholders).  Chambers promised to turn shit around and refocus on the core business while saying he will also “double down” on video (and note to readers, KITD would be a hella attractive target for a CSCO, so just keep that in the back of your mind, and keep this in the front of your mind).  That said, C cut their price target on CSCO from $22 to $20 citing margin pressure and not wanting to be the last asshole left holding the bag.

In small cap news, Money McBags analyzed the fuck out of QCOR last night for your reading pleasure and wants to punch himself in the balls for not buying SFLY after their last Q when he told you all the stock would likely keep going up but it just wasn’t for him.  Hopefully you read his analysis and not his pussying out conclusion and went in for a nice gain.

Writer’s note: Money McBags has written nearly 300 of these daily columns and on all but ~4 or 5 of them he is happy to put his name as he works hard as shit to make sure they are not just original and funny, but also contain solid analysis and plenty of tits.  Well today Money McBags has to admit that he just didn’t have it.  Whether it was the excitement of finding the perfect theme song for if/when the award winning When Genius Prevailed goes on a road show (and then having the chorus of that song get stuck in his head), or whether it was just exhaustion from killing it on QCOR yesterday and for the 65th week in a row trying to make the new claims for unemployment report funny, he just feels like this was a bit laborious tonight.  That said, whenever he feels this way, people tend to think it is his best stuff, so WTF does he know, he just writes it.  So if by chance you didn’t enjoy today’s column, Money McBags apologizes for that, he didn’t really enjoy writing it either, and perhaps it showed.  That said, it still kicks the piss out of the other shit out there, so there’s that.