Yeah, that’s right fuck Money McBags, what an asshole.  He celebrates the one year anniversary of the award winning When Genius Prevailed by taking a Friday off for Thanksgiving (where he made sure he didn’t overeat) and then has not only dropped just one column so far in his first week back when clearly you, the hard working reader, deserve better, but also promised a new column today and yet is going to fail to deliver on that worse than Kenny Easterday fails to deliver a blow in an ass-kicking contest.  So fuck Money McBags, plain and simple, after all, you don’t pay good money for this so you should be treated much better.

That said, Money McBags does profusely apologize to his loyal readers for the three seconds of their day it took to click over to the award winning When Genius Prevailed and not find new content because those three seconds could have been better spent screening for interesting new companies (like SAAS or BGS), storing gold for the upcoming hyperinflation, or wondering where Julieta Grajales has been all of our lives.  Money McBags can assure you this isn’t a case of the “terrible twos” (as opposed to the delightful twos), but it is what it is and Money McBags only wishes his excuse today had something to do with preparing for a one on one interview with Lara Logan, telling phosphorous to fuck off, or simply going for the all-time high score in Cock Out, but alas, it was nothing so enjoyable.

You see, yesterday while driving home in rush hour traffic after taking care of some pressing business (though unfortunately the business was not Melissa Giraldo and the pressing did not involve her tongue on his sphincter), Money McBags was treated to his car deciding it no longer desired to have a working crank shaft, or Johnson rod, or fucking distributor to make sure the fucking spark plugs made the little gerbil in the car run faster.  So unfortunately, Money McBags got stranded in fuck knows where and had to spend today trying to get that shit straightened out and thus was in front of a computer less than a Moody’s analyst was in front of a bubble bursting or Kathy Bates was in front of a mirror (because if she were to go in front of a mirror, she would no doubt turn to stone.  Note to self: Get mirror, find Kathy Bates.).

That said, he has had about thirty minutes to breeze through the news and holy shit is the market rallying again as apparently Europe has fixed their financial problems in only 48 hours (which makes Money McBags wonder why if they can do that so quickly, they can’t figure out that soap isn’t just a lubricant), retail sales and home sales data weren’t just cocktacular, they were jizzlicioulsy cocktacular (according to the headlines, which of course are all that matter), and Goldman Sachs inconceivably lifted their view of the financial sector to “overweight” and really, when has the government, Money McBags means Goldman, ever been wrong?

The most interesting story to Money McBags was that retail sales knocked the fuck out of November with same store sales up 6% (of course margins are likely to go down more than Tori Black in Finger Licking Good 7, but those are just details) so you know what long-term unemployed people?  No one fucking cares about you and your whining about my skill set is eroding this and I have no health insurance that, because if employment were at all relevant to the economy in this Keynesian driven world we live in where central bankers pray to the great ponzi in the sky, people wouldn’t be buying the fuck out of 88 inch HDTVs to be able to clearly see Megyn Kelly‘s hard hitting exposes where she tickles our taints with news about a bunch of assholes we don’t know, doing shit about which we don’t care.

Anyway, analysts were expecting a 2.6% increase, so they were only 50% off (which is also what sales were in most stores to push inventory out the door) and the best category was unsurprisingly discount stores which were up 7.2%.  To drive the recockulousness of this home, the NY Times article on retail sales included this tidbit about a woman named Eve Dong: “She was plopped on a bench on the third floor of the Mall of America, surrounded by six bags and waiting for her friends to return. She had been there since 5 a.m., and had spent about $500 on items like clothes, skin care, makeup and shoes.”  Money McBags really has nothing to add to that, he just wanted to point out the NY Times quoted a woman named Eve Dong (and he anxiously awaits them to follow up with Sarah Dicks, Alice Weiner, and Jane Hugecock).

Money McBags apologizes again for not having a real column today and for being way too fucking tired after three days of having to do shit to provide any real insight here.  He promises he will be back tomorrow with a break down of the jobs report, perhaps a deep dive in to Caroline Trentini (that is if she is free and willing), and thoughts on European central banks and the US continuing to lend lend lend until Bernanke takes the T-Bills away.

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