The S&P closed up today despite earnings more disappointing than Congressman Christopher Lee’s online dating skills (because 1. If you’re married, don’t use your real fucking email address and 2. everyone knows the easiest way to an internet girl’s heart is through a cock shot and not some weird ass old man flexing pose, so really just embarrassing for all) led by technology bellwether CSCO who got their bells rung and let technology know that the weather is going to be extremely shitty with a chance of declining margins, an increasing budget deficit as the government stocks up on the rare o.b. tampons in preparation for the heavy period of economic malaise soon to be here, and the outcome of the Free Harry Baals movement coming to an inglorious end (and as a side note, Money McBags thinks the Femen Movement should 100% get behind Harry Baals).

In all, it was a news filled day in the market that in aggregate rounded up to “who fucking cares” as investors ignored rising inflation, shrinking margins, and sputtering jobs growth, by simply rolling up their foreskins and taking hits of hope and delusion.  So as always, buy the dip, buy the rip, and if you can, buy the nip, because Bernanke would want it that way.

As for macro news, new claims for unemployment fell to their lowest level in 2.5 years as bad weather knocked down the phone lines and internet connections that people ordinarily use to file new claims as well as apparently knocking down common fucking sense (because, um, if the jobs report was negatively affected by the weather, shouldn’t new claims have you know, also been negatively affected by the fucking weather?  This is as confusing to Money McBags as M-theory or why anilingus is spelled with an “i” and not an “a”).  New claims dropped 36k (or 32k if using the the number that was reported last week instead of this week’s made up higher number as the “hold the shock and hope for no awe” strategy rears its ugly head) to 383k which was 27k below analyst guesses and 35k below believability.  The number dropping below 400k can be taken as a good sign (that is if the number weren’t more bogus than John Travolta’s marriage), though this can be taken as a better sign.

In other macro news, foreclosures fell, or they didn’t, depending on if you want to use a year over year number (which was down 17%), a month over month number (which was up 1%), or a non “lenders were too fucking bogged down in fixing mortgage fraud procedures to increase foreclosures” number (which would have been up a cockriffic percent).  James Saccacio, the CEO if RealtyTrac commented “Unfortunately this is less a sign of a robust housing recovery and more a sign that lenders have become bogged down in reviewing procedures, resubmitting paperwork and formulating legal arguments related to accusations of improper foreclosure processing.“  This would usually be concerning for the market but as all investors care about is the perception of the numbers and not what is behind those numbers (unless it is Brooklyn Decker who is behind them), the release was more irrelevant than James Garfield’s presidency or Lacey Banghard‘s IQ.

Elsewhere wholesale inventories jumped 1% while sales only rose .4% as businesses build up inventory right before people can stop affording it with the coming stagflation (and of course stagflation is coming not just because Bernanke is making sweet love to the ponzeconomy™, but also because he showed it pictures of Olivia Wilde).  The budget deficit grew to $50T as spending picked up with the government busy buying the dip and finally Federal Reserve Board Governor and noted QE2 critic (even though he never had the Thomas Hoenig balls to dissent) Kevin Warsh is stepping down to do what all Americans aspire which is to live a happy life off of his wife’s money.   Warsh was the youngest Fed Governor by decades and simply got tired of the constant hazing of having to always erase the whiteboards, bring the doughnuts, and be the one picked to play seven minutes in heaven with Fed Governor Daniel Tarullo.  Warsh is most famous for an op-ed he wrote for the WSJ where he said the Fed’s Treasury buying “poses nontrivial risks” such as unexpected movements in risk premiums across asset classes and whatever is a bit worse than stagflation, perhaps “fucking stagflation.”

The big news of the day though was earnings where CSCO reported their Q and dropped ~13% after not connecting with investors who had them as the backbone to their portfolios.  The company warned that their margins were under more pressure than Tom Cruise’s colon in the Castro on a Saturday night or Hosni Mubarak’s presidency (who by the way is supposed to be stepping down tonight so the guy exactly fucking like him can take over, so um, great fucking job guys, really.  It’s like Andrew Johnson restoring rich white southern confederates to power immediately after the civil war or Pam Anderson getting back with Tommy Lee after he gave her hepatitis).  Along with declining margins, CSCO said they are also facing increasing competition as customers in their core network switching business are switching to products from HP and Juniper (and that line was so awful Jay Leno can use it all he wants).

In other earnings news AKAM was down 15% after reporting a good Q but giving revenue guidance for Q1 a wide margin below analyst guesses as a result of more normal seasonality after last Q’s post-recession big jump in Q1 (and the margin was so wide that it immediately became the most popular member of  And CS missed profit expectations because of debt charges and regulations that keep them from manipulating their numbers as usual.

In positive earnings news, WFMI once again crushed guesses and raised guidance because now that all food costs have skyrocketed, people don’t give a shit about paying the marginal dollar to eat food that has fewer chemicals in it than Charlie Sheen’s stool.  Also EBAY was up ~7% after they said that they expect PayPal revenue to double by 2013 as wireless iPads making memberships to the Bangbus more prevalent during bathroom breaks in the office.

Finally, corn reserves are at 15 year low, thus potentially figuratively cornholing part of the country’s food supply, NYSE is in merger talks with Deutsche Borse, Harrah’s, and Las Vegas Sands where they promise to share the VIG with whomever they merge, and WFC’s CFO is walking away with a $27MM retirement package which is but a small pittance for nearly ruining the global economy.  Noted analyst Dick Bove (and he is noted for consistently being wrong) said “It is not normal for a CFO to leave a company for personal reasons when major disclosures about to be made,” but then again, it is not normal for a man named Richard to insist on calling himself Dick, so potato-puhtato.

In small cap news RICK announced their quarter after the market closed on Wednesday and somehow shot up 10% at ~3pm on Thursday on heavy volume as someone really wanted to see some tits.  Remember, Money McBags recommending buying this stock again a couple of months ago when it was below $8 and now it is at ~$10.50, so we’ve had such a jizztastic ~30% return in that short time frame that Money McBags has decided to go back and finish his first book tentatively called A Sale of Two Titties: How a Small Time Investor Got Rich by Investing in RICK.

That said, the quarter was actually pretty pedestrian so Money McBags is confused by the run up, except for the fact that the stock is just too cheap.  Revenue was basically flat at $1.045MM lap dances (and as always, when analyzing RICK Money McBags uses his preferred currency of lap dances where $20 = 1 lap dance) and while their earnings were up ~165% to .0105 lap dances per share, most of that was driven by not paying Vegas cab drivers a cockposterous rate to bring people to the club and thus their marketing expenses were down a full 90k lap dances.  Money McBags’ earnings guess for the year is $.044 lap dances per share and this quarter was basically in line with that kind of run rate.

There were some concerning things though as Vegas is still leaking money as losses in that club were 18.5k lap dances which was down from 25k lap dances a year ago but revenue also dropped from 155k lap dances to 55k lap dances and the CEO said they are basically going to take another quarter or so to figure out what the fuck to do with this location with a sale sounding like it will be most likely.  Look, Money McBags has been to the Rick’s in Vegas (in fact RICK Director of IR Allan Priaulx hooked him up with a table where he was fortunate enough to be able to buy $300 bottles of vodka instead of sitting with the proletariat and paying $10 a beer, so fuck Money McBags for that), in fact he was there when it was Scores, and that location simply doesn’t work.  The club is poorly set up and with the Spearmint Rhyno consistently spanktacular, there is just no reason to go anywhere else.  So Money McBags hopes they ditch that shit for $5MM or whatever, realize they made a terrible acquisition, and move on with their lives because eventually you have to stop throwing money at shit that is of no value, like a lap dance from a hot Eastern European chick (and trust Money McBags on this one, they look hot and they talk a good game, but they deliver as poorly as Jessica Blackham).

Other concerns include a lackluster Super Bowl week thanks to non-marquee teams (even though it was the highest rated Super Bowl ever) and that dreaded weather.  They thought they could do 100k lap dances of revenue during the week but it turned out to be only 35k and they said things are still in such flux that they are not going to give any guidance for the year as “we’re just not sure.“  Not really words to inspire confidence.

Sure, there is a lot of good going on including .10 lap dance drink Wednesdays and happy hour lunches that bring customers in, help them fall in love with the girls (their words, not Money McBags’), and then come back later with their friends.  They are also revamping some clubs, looking at acquisitions, and buying back stock.  So in all, the story hasn’t changed, but Money McBags is a bit concerned about this next Q missing expectations.

That said, the stock is still cheap trading at ~12x Money McBags’ guess (assuming this next Q isn’t a bust, unless it is this bust, which would be ok) with nearly .1 lap dance worth of cash on the balance sheet so ~10x minus the cash.  The business has held up fine through the recession so there is no reason they can’t trade at 15x Money McBags’ guess (though they are going to need to reenergize revenue) and thus when the stock hits a price of .6 lap dances, we’ll have to reevaluate which is only ~10% up from here.  It’s been a good trade but the last thing we want to do is get caught in the champagne room with our pants down so we need to get out before we get so drunk that we run back to the ATM.  The magnitude, timing, and volume of the jump today was stranger than the fact that 9.2MM people watched the fucking Puppy Bowl and much stranger than Drew Barrymore’s tits, so lets see what happens tomorrow and be careful not to get too cute.

And yes, Money McBags knows today’s headline sucks worse than Lisa Ann in a MILF Hunter video, but it’s 3 in the fucking morning, so fuck Money McBags (and if you’re Lise Ann, really, fuck Money McBags).

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