The markets were on fucking fire today as investors shook off the historic drop last Thursday, apparently confident that the SEC looking in to the causes of the sell off will yield answers other than the current ones whch include:  “Beats me,” “How the fuck should I know,” “and hey look, it’s Enrico Pallazzo!“  The head of the SEC, Mary Schapiro, who in her short time leading the never distinguished agency has already instituted sweeping reform including such things as following up on leads, proactively going after market manipulators, and clamping down on tranny porn at the office, has called last week’s market failure “profoundly disappointing and troubling.”   She then added, “I haven’t been this disappointed with anything since Meaghan Chung worked at the SEC or since I bought a slap chop.”  Luckily regulators are getting closer to finding out what was wrong with the market by ruling out several potential causes such as erroneous fat finger trades (known here on WGP as Portia De Rossis), unusual trading in P&G stock, hackers, terrorist activity, and Noriel Roubini shouting “Beetle Juice” three times quickly.  The SEC has sent out subpoenas to further look into this matter, though they have not said to whom they have sent them, but Mary Schapiro was seen asking Goldman’s CEO if his first name is spelled with one “L” or two.  While equities are bouncing back, it is still showering gold in the markets as gold has hit an all-time high which means Mt. T’s neck is now the richest person in America (and he pities the fool who told him all that jewelry was silly).  The fact that investors are rushing in to gold is not a good sign for the markets as it signals little faith in currencies and a fear that escalating debt will continue to cause gevernments to run their printing presses more rapidly than drunk Hollywood wannabes run through Paris Hilton‘s panties.  Money McBags remains very afraid.

Helping drive the markets up today is that Spain has announced an austerity plan that will involve cutting wages of government employees, reducing public investment spend, and increasing the use of home grown green technologies such as spanish fly.  There is real fear that workers may strike throughout the countrty, but economists are fairly certain strikes won’t come to fruition because strikes would cut in to workers’ daily siestas.  In addition to Spain making like they are serious about their budget, in much the same way that James McGreevey made like he was serious about Dina Matos, Portugal sold the fuck out of some bonds.  Portugal raised 1B euro (though the euro isn’t worth what it used to be) which is a good sign for the markets, though the fact that they need to raise another ~20B by the end of the year is a sign worse than waking up pantsless in a West Hollywood alley with a sore rear end and rainbow colored socks.  Joining in on all of the debt lip service in Europe (and Money McBags wishes Faye Reagan would give his growing debt some lip service), is Britain who is instituting budget cuts as unemploymnet spikes to its highest level in 16 years.  The new fiscal policies could include a tax on banks, black jeans, and Lucy Pinder downloads.  Also, data came out today showing GDP in Europe was up modestly in Q1, growing .2%, or as it’s better known as: a rounding error. 

In the US, markets rocketed up thanks to positive forecasts from tech companies who said they expect it to be sunny with a chance of silicon.  Tech giants IBM and INTC both gave positive outlooks today with IBM saying they expect to earn at least $20 per share by 2015 which is double their current business and INTC’s CEO saying he expects a double digit percent rise in revenues and earnings.  Additionally, MSFT was up today after they said they will offer Microsoft Office free online so the whole world can spend their days dicking around with PowerPoint for no charge.  Wow.  Technology hasn’t received news this good since Number 5 was found to be alive.  Also, the US trade deficit widened to a 15 month high as exports were up 3.2% and imports were up 3.1%  For March, the rise in exports reflected increased sales of American farm products, a wide range of heavy machinery, and dollars.  The rise in imports was driven by a 26% jump in crude oil shipments (though not nearly as crude as Dice Clay CD shipments).

In small cap stocks, everything rode up like a hand on Alexis Texas‘ ample thighs.  CRUS, TMRK, and KITD continue to rally even though Money McBags ditched them for liquidity reasons last week.  Money McBags did buy back some KITD today in the $12.90s in anticipation of a good earnings call on Monday.  If the market structure is healthy, KITD remains a high upside company.  Also, QCOR is holding a conference call this afternoon to discuss the FDA panel’s ruling on Acthar last week where the drug was found to be both less filling and taste great by a panel of experts.  The FDA panel voted 22-1 in favor of Acthar’s efficacy in treating IS but there was some concern over how manageable and reversible the complications were.  Money McBags is sure QCOR will delve into all of this this afternoon, but on the surface it seems like very positive news since it points to the FDA putting IS on label for Acthar and thus allowing QCOR to market to IS doctors, something they have been unable to do despite being the favored IS treatment.  Money McBags promised some analysis today and he has FHCO’s Q on his to do list (though it is much behind Alice Eve and Ashley on his to do list), but time ran short today so tomorrow he will try to hit you up with some micro to go with the macro.

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