The market was up again today as it continues to rejoice that there are only “widespread signs of deceleration” and not whatever is worse than widespread, like “doublewidespread” or “assawful.”  The big macro news was that new claims for unemployment were out and they demolished analyst guesses of 470k by coming in at a petite 451k.  So hoo-fucking-ray that only 450k-ish more people lost their jobs (that is until it is revised upwards next week in the continued “hold the shock and hope for no awe” strategy that Money McBags has been talking about here for months and on which zerohedge finally picked up.  And of course right on schedule, last week’s number was revised up from 472k to 478k, so party on).

But the greatest part about the spanktacular jobs number of this week was that 9 STATES DIDN’T EVEN REPORT RESULTS according to Bloomberg, though that information is not in the actual (No) Labor Department release, because why would the government want everyone to know the numbers are more fictitious than AIG’s financial statements or Chelsea Handler‘s age (if that is what 35 looks like, then Betty White must be going on 50)?  You see, it was Labor Day and even government lackeys get to take a day off every now and then to soak their withered fingers and catch up on episodes of the Jerry Springer Show after working so hard from 9 to 5 (not including the hour for lunch) for five days a week and as a result, 9 states simply gave the (No) Labor Department the Heisman (though not Reggie Bush’s, because he may already have given it back).

According to Bloomberg, California and Virginia came up with their own numbers while the government estimated the numbers of the other 7 states who were no doubt too busy putting all of their white clothes in storage to even come up with an out of their asses guess (and if their asses look like this, guess away).  So look, it is possible that in the week when ~20% of the states didn’t report numbers (though well over 20% population-wise thanks to California with their sunny beaches, warm climate, and population of bunnies) that numbers would fall by 28k to below even the lowest of analyst guesses (which was 460k), it is possible that the government was able to accurately guess at actual new claims numbers for states that didn’t report (since the government is known for their tip top and cutting edge analysis), and it is also possible that monkeys are currently flying out of Money McBags ass as he hums a Johnny Cash tune and dances the kazachok, because really, after seeing the success of Lady Gaga, anything is truly possible.  That said, any or all of the above are unlikelier than Mike Tyson ever smoking weed with Tupac (because had that happened, the world may have ended out of awesomeness) so Money McBags is willing to bet a share of NTZ (which is falling ever closer to $0) that next week the numbers are revised a fuckload upwards and yet the market won’t care.  Manipulate on my friends, manipulate on.  If only the government could convince all 50 states to not report their new claims for unemployment numbers next week and thus guess at the numbers themselves, the recession would be over much sooner.  Perhaps that is a strategy the administration should roll out next month when the non-stimulus fails to stimulate.

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In other macro news, the US trade deficit dropped by 14% which was the most in almost 1.5 years and driven by both an increase in exports and a decrease in imports thanks to strong pre-orders for the Kendra Wilkinson sex tape.  More importantly, the US trade deficit with China also narrowly shrunk but there is no truth to the rumor that it was driven by tainted shipments of Coca-Cola from China which were found to contain inordinate amounts of a substance being referred to as “pee pee.

Internationally, Britain is keeping their rates flat as their Monetary Policy Committee left the official bank rate at 0.5% saying they’d make it zero, but then their economic system would be a total farce so at least this way it looks like they can still do something.  In other British news, Kate Beckinsale is hot, while in even more British news, Britain fined GS $27MM for failing to disclose the S.E.C.’s investigation in to GS’s shady Abacus deal.  While the fine is merely for show as $27MM is more inconsequential to GS than proper grammar is for a rapper or a US vice-presidential candidate (though coincidentally it is exactly how much Lloyd Blankfein shits out in a day after his breakfast of gold plated dodo bird eggs and jewel encrusted leprechaun nipples), it does once again point out what a bunch of asshats GS’ management team are.

In stock news, AAPL was up thanks to lowering the restrictions they have for App approvals which means the world of porn just grew a little bigger and for that, we should all thank Steve Jobs.  MCD was down 2%+ today after their monthly same stores sales came in below analyst guesses, yet they were still very strong.  Overall same store sales were up 4.9%, 4.6% in the US, 2.2% in Europe, 5.6% in Paris Hilton‘s vagina where she apparently has enough room to operate more than just a McDonalds, and 7.8% in the rest of the world.  The stock has certainly had a run but Money McBags continues to think that brands like MCD and KO should be longterm holdings as the world becomes poorer and developing nations become more westernized.

In small cap news KITD jumped up today, likely on news of two small acquisitions, a sort of competitor of theirs getting funding, and it looking so fucking ridiculously cheap that not even Kelsey Grammar would date it.  The acquisitions are of a company called Accela Communication based in Massachusetts and the assets of Megahertz Broadcast Systems based in the UK (so kudos for KITD for buying a company for whose employees they won’t have to provide dental insurance).  For these two entities, KITD is paying $7.4MM (~$4.5MM in cash) and acquiring ~$8.2MM of run rate revenues but thinks they will be able to expand that as they sell their software and platform to the acquired companies’ customers.  As Head of Americas Lou Schwartz said:  “Our acquisition of Accela, while relatively small, is highly synergistic” and with Accela serving more than 150 corporate customers, that opens up more cross sell opportunity for KITD.  More importantly though, KITD appears to be working hard as likely Member of the Tribe Lou Schwartz should have been at home for the High Holidays instead of showing up in press releases.  So in theory, KITD should now be at ~$108MM in revenues for next year with no growth (and no growth for KITD in 2011 is as likely as Bill Gates moving to Fort Gay).

Money McBags has written about KITD ad nauseum but as long as they focus, continue to execute, and stop dicking around with internet bloggers, they should outperform and help all of us shareholders support our local college students.  And Money McBags promises his analysis of DFZ’s Q will be out in the next 24 hours.  Unfortunately time does not grow on trees, but since time is relative, somewhere in the Universe the DFZ analysis has already won Money McBags Institutional Investor magazine’s analyst of the year award which fittingly is a golden cup completely full of shit.

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