Dear Readers,

It has been a bit of time since Money McBags has had a chance to formally reach out to you other than a quick hello on the twitter or the Facebook.  So how are things?  Hopefully better than the planned AIG equity offering, the Governator’s marriage, or Joel Hardman’s Halloween costume (and yes, Money McBags said “hard man”).

Anyway, Money McBags has been looking for ways to stay in touch and put out content while he adjusts to his new routine of putting on pants and interacting with the world for 12 hours a day, and well, he’s still trying to figure things out more than the buyers of the Timberwolf CDO.  That said, he has been talking with the guy who recently launched this site for almost a year about doing something together, and well, this is kind of what happened (and go ahead and click on that, no seriously, click on it, here it is again in case you missed it).

Money McBags will not make any comments, he will leave that to you, his readers to decide what you think and provide feedback.  Money McBags will just say 3 things about that video:

1. That is obviously not him and he had no role in picking his not really doppelganger.

2.  It was a first pass, and remember how emasculating your first time was.

3.  To be fair, Kate Upton is really fucking hot.

Anyway, Money McBags might have some content in a few days (no really, he means it), there may be more webisodes, and there likely will even be some Marisa Miller.

But if you need a fix, below is the script Money McBags sent the guys making the video (and the entirety of his contribution to the process, so you can see how that sausage was made).  You can even see the two notes he inserted and his bizarre use of the first person, (because Money McBags felt using the third person would be terribly gauche),  It is ~1k words of new content, though for the first time Money McBags does use some previously written material, but is still a cockload better than anything else out there (and not any cockload, but a Lexington Steele Cockload), so enjoy:

The market was down last week as news was generally less positive than Nouriel Roubini in a punch bowl, or a Chaz Bono pregnancy test.  New claims for unemployment rose to 474k thus claiming the economy still sucks, Portugal and Greece continued to teeter on the verge of bankruptcy like Larry Craig at the Thunder Down Under, and the Pippa Middleton topless photo proved to be less revealing than the inconceivable Lloyd Blankfein at a congressional hearing (note for web/video production:  if you can put the last two links as one visual, it makes the joke funnier.  Goldman’s CEO Lloyd Blankfein looks like the guy from the Princess Bride who says “inconceivable”).

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Not even the death of colossal asshat and world’s worst person Osama Bin Laden could rally the markets as investors bought the rumor and sold the news faster than Mark Sanford’s wife (note to whoever is editing this, Rashard Mendenhall’s sponsors may work here as well, depends on visuals, but it is a more current reference).  That said, with healthcare and terrorism now solved, the administration can focus on more important matters like figuring out how to crown a college football national champion, how to better align with the Femen movement, and exactly whose fat finger caused last year’s flash crash (though they might want to start by questioning Ellen Degeneres because she has to have some hella fat fingers to attract this).

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The big news of the week though was the Jobs Report which was so headliney good that after it was released dogs were seen hugging cats, Hatfields dancing with McCoys, and Keynesian economists sharing their crystal balls with Austrian economists (even as Keynes’ work continues to becomes more tainted than Faye Reagan’s chin while giving a rusty trombone).

Pundits lauded the addition of 268k jobs to the private sector but if you dig in to that number, you will see that it is more overblown than Charlie Sheen on “date night.”

First of all, the ponzeconomy™ added 244k jobs, not 268k, because the government pared 24k jobs and this remains troubling because public sector workers, with their 3 hour lunch breaks and 5 hour work days, are less likely to find new jobs in the private sector than eunuchs are to find jobs in the privates sector.

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Secondly, the fictitious BLS birth-death model (which is such a big black box that it makes Robert Deniro salivate) somehow added in another 175k jobs.  While we still have no idea how this is calculated (though I would guess lovingly and with a lot of hardcoding), how it is massaged in to the numbers (though I would guess with a lot of vaseline and a shoe horn), and why it oscillates so much between unbelievable and really fucking unbelievable, we are told that you can’t simply deduct the 175k from the headline number as it is somehow adjusted and folded in to the 268k new jobs created like a chicken leg folds in to one of Kristie Alley’s fat rolls.  The point is, taking out the made up birth-death numbers, the ponzeconomy™ added somewhere between a delicious 69k jobs and 244k jobs.

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But wait, there is more.  McDonalds hired 62k people last month which is 25% to 90% of the total jobs created (depending on how you want to treat the Birth-Death model numbers, though I suggest treating them with skepticism and a bottle of Fungoral) and that is enough to make investors grimace as there can only be one Mayor McCheese, so 99.9% of the 62k jobs added were likely minimum wage jobs.  And with inflation shooting up like River Phoenix at the Viper Room, minimum wage jobs are becoming less useful than running shoes are to Stephen Hawking.

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Here are some more fun facts:

2.5MM people remain marginally attached to the labor force and marginally attached in the same way that Sarah Palin is marginally attached to a copy of Strunk and White.  Among those marginally attached, 989k were labeled as “discouraged,” making the other 1.5MM fucking discouraged.

The unemployment rate was 8.8% for adult men, 7.9% for adult women, and 100% for people named Osama Bin Laden.

Kate Upton is hot.  While this fact has nothing to do with the jobs number, it is very important to know.

13.7MM people are now unemployed, which is up from 13.5MM people last month even as a headline 268k jobs were added. So um, huh?  Come again?  And if you are Rose Huntington Whiteley, then please, come again.

Just think about that for a second.  The economy added jobs, but there are more people unemployed and the unemployment rate went up from 8.8% to 9%, so using something called logic, shouldn’t the (No) Labor Department be focused on creating fewer jobs to get the unemployment rate down?  It is more of a paradox than Jamie Lee Curtis’ gender.

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But there is a reason for this and that is that the Household Survey, which actually measures unemployment, is more unrelated to the jobs number than sanity is related to an Alan Greenspan economic policy.  And the key point is that in that survey, the labor force participation rate fell to a ~30 year low of 64.2% which is such a low labor force that the ponzeconomy™ may need a c-section (and that joke may hit you in a second).

This explains why jobs were added and yet the unemployment rate went up in a mathematical sleight of hand that would make Fibbonacci proud and Bernie Madoff’s dick hard.  With a more normalized labor force participation rate, the unemployment rate would be closer to 11%  and along with the U6 unemployment rate still hovering ~16% (+/- BLS Head Keith Hall’s credibility, and I never trust anyone with a pornstache), that highlights that job growth is still slower than a conversation between Kirk Douglas and Dick Clark.

So adjusting for government layoffs (which is a trend more negative than dickflashing), the birth-death model (which is a number more made up than anything on AIG’s balance sheet), and McDonalds’ new hires (which is as positive of a sign for the unemployed as the “bridge out” sign was for Mary Jo Kopechne), the ponzeconomy™ added somewhere between 7k and 182k new jobs so anyway you look at it, the economy got hamburgled (which is slightly less healthy than getting turd burgled).

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While we know neither Rome, nor Pam Anderson, were built in a day, at this pace the recovery will be over sometime in the year 2025 which will be just in time for opening night of the Spiderman musical, so plan accordingly.

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