Portugal
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4/14/11 Midnight Report: As Always, New Claims For Unemployment Claim the Economy Still Sucks
The market rallied a bit in the afternoon as rising new claims for unemployment missed analyst guesses by somewhere near a fuckton (give or take an asshair or ten), Portugal and Greece saw bond yields rocket up more than applications to LaSalle’s MBA program and even more than Kate Upton on the awesomeness scale, and
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3/31/11 Midnight Report: On Opening Day, Fed Continues to Take Economy Out to the Bawl Game
The market was relatively quiet today as investors brace themselves for tomorrow’s Labor Force Participation Rate Report, Money McBags means Jobs Report, from the (No) Labor Department which will likely be more fictitious than a James Frey memoir, a Jayson Blair news story, or Ryan Seacrest’s girlfriend (at least the girlfriend who supposedly pees sitting
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2/2/11 Midnight Report: Mubarak Challenges Quantitative Easing for Title of Biggest Pyramid Scheme
The market was relatively quiet today as protesters in Egypt clashed with pro-government supporters (apparently one group wore plaid and another wore stripes, how gauche), earnings were more mixed than a Barack Obama-John Kerry love child (and with a terrific radio voice to boot), and investors gathered around their TVs to see if Lloyd Blankfein
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1/12/11 Midnight Report: Quick Update for the Readers
Money McBags isn’t going to be able to get to a full column today because other shit has come up (and it’s not just up because he found Olivia Munn’s new Maxim photo shoot). Money McBags knows his column has been a bit sporadic since he hit his one year anniversary (and loyal readers know
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1/5/11 Midnight Report: Dip Bought
The market got its schwerve back on today by buying the dip as if the dip were going to cure cancer, reveal the meaning of life, and lead to a threesome with Kayla Collins and Sara Underwood (who as always, can get under Money McBags’ wood whenever she pleases). So forget about unemployment, forget about
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9/8/10 Midevening Report: Read My Lips: “Fuck you, rich people”
The market was up today as either it’s opposite day or we have finally reached the foretold Idiocracy since according to the Fed, the economy is showing “widespread signs of deceleration” (and that phrase is about as positive for the market as Magic Johnson being out of condoms is for one of his groupies). But
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7/13/10 Midafternoon Report: The market is AA-ok as Alcoa foils bears
The market was off to the races today as if it the races were going to feature Usain Bolt taking on Sara Jane Underwood in the 100 meter dash with the loser having to run a lap in the buff. The big news of course was that Alcoa started off the earnings season by destroying
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5/13/10 Midafternoon Report: Market down as Prozac prescription runs out, or common sense prevails, take your pick
The market bounced around today before closing down as it seemingly takes a breather from a week so volatile that it caused quants to come out of the closet and question their autoregressive conditional heteroskedasticity (but that is what they get for having a GARCH model and not Brooklyn Decker as the centerfold for last
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5/12/10 Midevening Report: Gold hits record high causing a run on Flavor Flav’s teeth
The markets were on fucking fire today as investors shook off the historic drop last Thursday, apparently confident that the SEC looking in to the causes of the sell off will yield answers other than the current ones whch include: “Beats me,” “How the fuck should I know,” “and hey look, it’s Enrico Pallazzo!” The
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5/5/10 Midday Report: Investors celebrate May 5th with Sink-o de Marketo celebration
Buenos dias on this lovely Cinqo de Mayo as investors smack the market like a pinata in hopes of breaking it open to catch some falling CDS. Things remain ugly today as Europe is still on the verge of going bankrupt thanks to Greece’s steroidal Wimpy strategy of having a gyro today while promising to