Money McBags will be back with a full column on Wednesday night, unfortunately he had shit to do today (and more unfortunately, this wasn’t what he had to do).  It’s a long sordid tale, but see, Money McBags has no income stream right now, and that is no way to live, unless you are a clausterphobic anorexic with a severe case of vestiphobia and thus you are happy not eating anything while sitting nude in the open, or unless you simply hate fun.

Long story short: “Asshole.”  Long story a bit longer: Money McBags worked as a small cap generalist for a hedge fund that had good performance but shut down last year.  The problem was, the guy who was funding it was the fourth worst person ever born in the world, right after Hitler, Fred Phelps, and the asshole who invented television encryption (because Money McBags did not have pay cable growing up and this is no way to watch porn).  Anyway, this rich petulant assfuck treated the business as a fucking hobby and thus instead of marketing and trying to raise money, he spent his afternoons fucking hookers on craigslist (no fucking joke), which would be fine Money McBags guesses if the guy hadn’t made all of his money by simply marrying rich and managing not to get divorced even though he is scummier than Bob Guccione’s taint (that is when Bob Guccione was still alive).

So basically, this rich fuckwad couldn’t raise money because everyone hated him and then lost interest in the business so shut it the fuck down.  This has left Money McBags jobless (and with no severance, so thanks asshole, please die) and is what spurred the birth of the award winning When Genius Prevailed since it was intended to be a way for Money McBags to stay fresh for all of the interviews he surely would be getting.  Well funny thing happened on the way to prosperity, small funds stopped hiring, but especially stopped hiring generalists with no personal track record from failed hedge funds (even though performance wasn’t the reason for failure) so Money McBags became more fucked than Carmen Kinsley‘s sphincter.

As a result, Money McBags occasionaly puts on the monkey suit and goes to interview for jobs for which he is way fucking overqualified and pay less than he made three years out of undergrad.  It is a sad state of affairs and these interviews usually end with Money McBags blowing himself up because the thought of taking some meaningless douchenozzle job is not for what he signed up.  That said, eventually he is going to have to succumb (though hopefully not like Sasha Grey in Deep Throat This 44, and that pun may take awhile to hit you) which is a shame, since he not only can pick the fuck out of stocks, but he can analyze the shit out of them as well (and his readers should know this with KITD, QCOR, CTGX, RICK, ININ, among others.  Shit, he mentioned DTLK on 10/25 and look what the fuck it did today).  Money McBags has actually been very close with three small cap funds over the past year, but one thought he was too senior and wouldn’t be happy having to wait 2+ years to be a PM (even though he had the exact experience for what they were looking), one was long only and thought he would be unhappy not shorting, and one thought he could make them money, but they “didn’t feel a connection” (and you know what?  If Money McBags thought the aforementioned Fred Phelps could make him money, he could give a fuck about “connections.”).

So it’s kind of a shitty life for Money McBags right now (though he very much enjoys writing the award winning When Genius Prevailed which has continued to evolve and gain readers by the day).  He is a fine analyst (and has plenty of references as well as a public website with a year of fucking analysis and stock picks to prove it), he has all of the requisite boxes checked (except for this one) having graduated phi beta kappa from a top ten university, having earned one of those lame MBAs from a top three business school, and having become a CFA charterholder (and all you pantywipes at the CFA, notice how Money McBags didn’t say he is a CFA, but properly used the designation).  Money McBags knows people on the buyside and sellside read this, he gets your emails and suggestions for stocks to cover, so if you’re looking, Money McBags would happily strip out the dick jokes for an income stream because his lady friends are getting hungry and hoes gotta to eat too.

Anyway, after Money McBags is done washing the stench of corporate and failure off of him all night, he will be back with a full column on Wednesday where he will no doubt break down AAPL and their cocknornmous Q, discuss consumer spend and the difference between the haves and have-nots, break down DTLK’s pre-announcement, and perhaps even do as he tweeted today and try to figure out which is less believable, Shitigroup’s earnings or that Christina Hendricks is married to this d-bag.

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