Finance humor
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4/14/11 Midnight Report: As Always, New Claims For Unemployment Claim the Economy Still Sucks
The market rallied a bit in the afternoon as rising new claims for unemployment missed analyst guesses by somewhere near a fuckton (give or take an asshair or ten), Portugal and Greece saw bond yields rocket up more than applications to LaSalle’s MBA program and even more than Kate Upton on the awesomeness scale, and
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Did The Economy Stop Blowing Jobs?
The big news in the market on Friday was the release of the (No) Labor Department’s NFP Jobs Report (more commonly known as the Labor Force Participation Rate Report, or fiction) which showed the ponzeconomy™ added 216k jobs in March which was enough for the administration to pat themselves on their well insured backs and head
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3/31/11 Midnight Report: On Opening Day, Fed Continues to Take Economy Out to the Bawl Game
The market was relatively quiet today as investors brace themselves for tomorrow’s Labor Force Participation Rate Report, Money McBags means Jobs Report, from the (No) Labor Department which will likely be more fictitious than a James Frey memoir, a Jayson Blair news story, or Ryan Seacrest’s girlfriend (at least the girlfriend who supposedly pees sitting
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2/27/11 Two Day After Report: Will Market Win Best Actor Award for Impersonating a Healthy Economy?
Once again investors came out in full force to buy the fucking dip on Friday after learning that Qaddafi’s men opened fire on protesters in Tripoli in Moammar’s shoot first, shoot later negotiations policy, GDP was revised down to “QE3 is coming,” gold rose to over $1,400 an ounce once again making Flavor Flav’s teeth
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2/20/11 Two Day After Report: Mideasterners Continue to Shout “You Suck Dictators!”
Stocks ended higher for the third consecutive week as protests throughout the Middle East continue to spread like misinformation during a political campaign or herpes in the Kardashian household. Yemen had its 8th day of protests (and for those of you unfamiliar with Yemen, it has a 65% unemployment rate, a 59% literacy rate, and
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2/9/11 Midnight Report: Fucking Crickets
Kind Readers, — Money McBags was out for most of the day and thus was unable to find the time to get a column up that suitably dealt with the news of the day such as Ben Bernanke’s speech before the House Budget Committee (which includes such great financial luminaries as Heath fucking Shuler, who
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2/8/11 Midnight Report: Market’s First Law of Bernankity: What Goes Up, Must Go Up
The market rose for the 7th straight day (and the day was so straight that it wouldn’t even look at other days of the same gender, and yeah, that means you Thursday) as earnings continue to be relatively decent (until the speedboat effect of rising input prices catches up with them next Q, which is
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2/7/11 Midnight Report: Support Levels Blown as Market Spits Out Concerns
Stocks hit their two and a half year highs today as confidence in the markets skyrockets thanks to hackers penetrating NASDAQ computers (proving if you drink enough red bull and vodka, you’ll penetrate anything), insider selling continuing to outpace insider buying at a cockposterous rate as company executives show as much faith in their businesses
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2/2/11 Midnight Report: Mubarak Challenges Quantitative Easing for Title of Biggest Pyramid Scheme
The market was relatively quiet today as protesters in Egypt clashed with pro-government supporters (apparently one group wore plaid and another wore stripes, how gauche), earnings were more mixed than a Barack Obama-John Kerry love child (and with a terrific radio voice to boot), and investors gathered around their TVs to see if Lloyd Blankfein
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Small Company Update: KITD Rolls Up a Joint Acquisition
One of Money McBags’ favorite little companies, KITD, got their acquisition on again yesterday and bought a pu pu platter of video asset management technology companies in a flurry of transactions that surprised Money McBags more than protesters surprised the Egyptian government or this answer surprised the game show world (and Money McBags was surprised