Miscellaneous

Where Have You Gone Money McBags? The Ponzeconomy Turns its Lonely Lies To You. Spew Spew Spew.

Hells yeah, Money McBags is back with some content (sort of, but more on that later, and more on this now).  You’ll have to excuse his absence which has lasted much longer than he expected (though not as long as it took to put together the Mesopotamian dictionary which hopefully will be followed by the Mesopotamian Urban Dictionary where we can learn all of the different connotations of Alexander’s helmet and dropping a Hammurabi code), but Money McBags:

1.  Started a new job (labor force participation rate be damned) which has led him to spend an inordinate amount of time once again trying to fit his round peg in to the business world’s square hole while also working diligently to make a better first impression than Peter Diamond.

2.  Relocated from parts unknown to parts better known (though unfortunately none of the parts were known to be attached to Kate Upton).

3.  Spent copious hours trying to answer the B(L)S’ 54k job question which requires a shitload of hope, goal seeking, and even some Calabi-Yau shapes to get to anything resembling a healthy Ponzeconomy™ in this world of the infinite multiverse.

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But most importantly:

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4.  Was unable to toggle his computer over to WordPress to publish his titriffic columns as he found it his civic duty (and yes he said duty) to use his fat finger to analyze every inch of the very NSFW Blake Lively nude photos.  Yeoman’s, work Money McBags’ friends, yeoman’s work.

Trust Money McBags, his absence has hurt him more than a PA trade hurt David Sokol as since he has been gone we’ve had Schwarzennegger‘s love child (and Money McBags will take the over on number of mistresses the Governator has had, as well as the under if this was one of them), DSK’s forced African stimulus plan (who said the French never did anything for their colonies?), Anthony Weiner’s fucking weiner (and his figurative self-immolation where he finally got a load off of his chest, after trying to put a load on many other chests), and a swarm of angry beavers attacking Philadelphia (though unfortunately not these angry beavers).   So dear comedy gods, really?  You couldn’t have done this three fucking months ago when Money McBags was trying to make shit like the Fed Notes, Europe’s Bank Stress Tests, and the Chicago PMI funny?

Anyway, Money McBags dearly wanted to write this weekend about the NFP Jobs Report (with NFP of course standing for No Fucking Pay) as he was tickled pink by the black box model (while also dreaming of tickling the pink of this black box model) that is the BLS birth/death plug which registered a cockposturous 200k jobs added and once again showed the Ponzeconomy™ to be less healthy than Sino-Forest’s balance sheet or Pam Anderson’s vagina.  Even if the birth/death plug were real (and Money McBags believes in the Easter Bunny, Hanukkah Harry, and Newt Gingrich more than the birth/death model), the jobs number was still more disappointing to the outdated models of economists than the Disney adult entertainment fantasy cruise was to members of the Red Rooster club.

Money McBags really wanted to write about the fact that even though 54k jobs were added last month, the number of unemployed people went up from 13.674MM to 13.779MM, the labor force participation rate remained at 20ish year lows, and the Smurfs were finally exposed for the racist little fucks that they are.  Alas, he was busy getting his new life in order so he didn’t have the time, but things are starting to fall in to place and he may be able to get out content on a more frequent basis (though no promises).

That said, before he left for the great hedge fund in the sky, he had an email exchange with KITD’s CEO Kaleil Tuzman where he sent Mr. Tuzman a flurry of insightful (and titsightful) questions to be answered.  As Mr. Tuzman was in the midst of buying a different company than he led the Street to believe he would be acquiring while also furiously penning many anti-short tomes to investors to let them know that the market was misunderstanding the KITD story, he apparently didn’t have time to fully respond.

Yet after many emails back and forth (and back and forth forever, and kind reader, if you go to one Money McBags’ link today, let it be the Blake Lively NSFW photos, but if you go to two, let it be the Blake Lively photos and then the back and forth forever link), Mr. Tuzman finally got to Money McBags’ questions and promised they would be through his legal council by Monday of this week.  This Q&A is the content Money McBags promised over the weekend that he would put out today and it would have been a hella fucking deep and intriguing look at KITD to remind everyone why Money McBags is known as the world’s most dangerous analyst.

Alas (a lass? all ass), Mr. Tuzman emailed Money McBags the other day to let him know that the answers are hung up with KITD’s lawyers and will not be properly scrubbed until next week (and trust Money McBags, his questions needed scrubbing like the dirty little inquisitions that they are).  So Money McBags apologizes for promising content and then leaving you all more hung out to dry than Fabulous Fabrice Tourre whose only defense seems to be to blame it on the rain.

This of course is about the 10th time Mr. Tuzman has promised to answer Money McBags’ questions and delivered about as well as QE2 or a vaginal artesia sufferer, so who knows if Money McBags will ever get the answers.  At this point, Money McBags is seriously considering changing Mr. Tuzman’s moniker from “The Great Diluter” to the “The Big Stock (question) Tease” (of course Money McBags could have just asked Mr. Tuzman when he saw him yesterday, but Clark Kent must never reveal his secret identity).

So apologies for the lack of real content (though this pointless diatribe will still be ~1.3k words, with several dick jokes, and new bodies of thought), Money McBags hopes to have the KITD Q&A next week and then will try to be back with original material shortly thereafter.

Money McBags does appreciate you being patient (and if this were you, he would be very very patient as well).

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*Writer’s note:  If you have made it this far, you clearly have run out of NSFW muffs to guess so Money McBags has a question for you:  Would you prefer a long (~1.5k word) weekly column or a short (~300 word) nightly update?  Money McBags isn’t sure which will work best or which he will try to do, but your input is most appreciated (especially if this is your input).  The biggest bottleneck right now is Money McBags’ inability to surf the web during the day to find the links and content you all deserve, so he will be accepting applications for interns to do that for him at moneymcbags@gmail.com (and he is only 42% joking).

It’s Not You, It’s Money McBags

Dear Readers,

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We all knew this day would eventually come, and unfortunately Money McBags is not talking about the end of Ben Bernanke’s “Reign of Error” or the Lindsay Lohan sex tape.   What Money McBags is talking about is his going back to work (well at least the kind of work that requires him to leave the comforts of his dining room, wear pants, and not spend all day thinking of puns for Kocherlakota or googling such important things as “downblouse” and “fat finger”) and thus ending this phase of the award winning When Genius Prevailed.  Trust Money McBags, this hurts him more than a purple nurple hurts Christina Hendricks as he feels like he has built something more special and unique than Enron’s accounting, the Sphinx, or Kim Kardashian’s ass, but alas, he has to eat, and other than his readers’ dignity, the award winning When Genius Prevailed has remained without monetary considerations.

It is a bittersweet decision because Money McBags’ huge cockled heart will always be with you, the readers, and writing a daily financial dick joke column for the past 1.5 years (holy fuck has it been that long?) is something that has started to define Money McBags and his life in ways that make him both blush and rage at the dying of his might have been career.  As most of you know, Money McBags started the award winning When Genius Prevailed after the hedge fund he worked for shut down (and not because of performance, but because the guy pulling the purse strings was not only pulling many other purse strings but is also what Money McBags believes is referred to in common vernacular as a “fucking scumbag who deserves to get leper AIDS of his penis”) and he needed an outlet for his creativity and basically a way to stay sharper than the tongue of the most cunning linguists such as Groucho Marx, Winston Churchill, and Portia Di Rossi.

Money McBags also wanted to pull off the buyside’s gaff and expose its hairy taint for retail investors to see how professionals evaluate companies (and yes, Money McBags just referred to himself as a professional which likely caused Benjamin Graham to roll over in his moderately priced grave and the polyamorous one to hide under his reputation, but whatever).  By forcing himself to write about the market on a daily basis, Money McBags made sure that he stayed on top of things (though he would have rather stayed on top of this) in what was the most brutal job market for investment analysts since, well, since ever, and to be honest, it made him hella better.  Putting out what grew from 800 words to >2k words a day for the entire world to read made him double and triple check everything because the column would never have worked if the information was off point.

And through it all, Money McBags found a voice and a niche, and traffic on the award winning When Genius Prevailed grew 20%+ a month, all through word of mouth (though unfortunately the word wasn’t “harder” and the mouth it was coming from wasn’t Marisa Miller‘s).  Including the reads Money McBags gets on Zerohedge, between 6k and 20k people a day now read his column (though as most of those readers stay on Zerohedge, he has less ability to monetize that traffic through shitty google ads than Larry Summers has the ability to not be a cocksnot).  And all of it started by just going to something called blogspot (this is the original website which is more of an eyesore than Amy Winehouse’s teeth or Jerome Kerviel‘s trading record) and putting up analysis and dick jokes day after day after day.

Sure Money McBags could have given it a go with newsletter but he didn’t think he quite had the scale (though it was getting there and there was interest both from readers and from people looking to fund it) and newsletters are all about marketing and Money McBags has less interest in marketing than GE has in paying taxes or Antonio Cromartie has in wearing a condom.  There was even interest in having him put out a newsletter without the dick jokes but that would have been like asking Picasso to paint without colors, the Treasury to make a decision without Goldman Sachs’ approval, or Camille Crimson to work without swallowing, so Money McBags politely declined.

While Money McBags did surpass his goal of 1MM readers (yep, read that again, over 1MM people in the last year and a half read Money McBags’ columns, even if some of them came to the award winning When Genius Prevailed by googling such esoteric economic theories such as “gum drop butt plug” and “midgets girls ass holes” (and yes, those were real searches)), there was just no money in it.  Shit, Money McBags allowed the guys behind this to hire an actor and shoot a couple of webisodes of his material that actually worked pretty fucking well, and that was supposed to start as a weekly series this past week, but right now, that has been pushed back a bit and Money McBags is now off to other ventures (those other ventures being working for the man to pay his rent).  But Money McBags has no doubt it could have worked (and it still might if he can find the time) because he writes his column like a slightly dirtier financial Daily Show (though watch the Daily Show and count the bleeps and you’ll be surprised how dirty that has become) only without that annoying douchey British guy and with more tits.

But let’s not dwell on what might have been, let’s dwell on what was.  Money McBags’ cockriffic 1 year anniversary column did a nice job summarizing his accomplishments and since then he has continued to crank out columns dealing with the most important financial issues of the day.

He tackled the meltdown in Japan with columns such as Market Has a Japanic Attack and Market hit by a Spoogenami.

He opined on the Middle East unrest with columns such as Big Flaps in Mid East May Require Libyaplasty and Protests in Egypt Cause Market to Take It in The Sphinxter, both of which will likely win posthumous Pulitzer Awards.

His monthly jobs report columns contain more detail, analysis, insight, and boobs than Nouriel Roubini running a regression at a Rick’s Cabaret.  He is sure it was required reading at the B(L)S and the SEC as soon as they finished their day’s work.

He has also written extensively about US macro news including columns about the Fed’s fallacious (and perhaps fellatious) use of core inflation such as Retail Sales Rotten at the Core while also writing about US economic policy such as Rich Guys Vote To Extend Tax Cuts For Rich, Laughter Trickles Down to Middle Class.

He wrote poems, he interviewed CEOs, and as he is one of the top 5 small cap analysts alive he has done deep dives in to many small companies where he obliterated anything the sell side has ever dreamed of doing by making sweet love to QCOR’s revenue numbers (and he is told Institutional Investor will be giving him their new “awesomeness” award for that one), verbally penetrating KITD’s dilutive deals and growth strategy, and anally pounding ZAGG in ways that would make Bree Olson jealous.  His small cap analysis has made the award winning When Genius Prevailed something the Street and retail investors have never seen as Money McBags has had no agenda other than to try to make money and spread the love (and he has been successful in that, so don’t forget to tip your analyst).

He has also tried different things such as an Oscar themed-column, fucking around with spammers, and introducing the world to the NSFW Femen Movement, NSFW Muff Guessing, and the barely SFW Brooklyn Decker nude pics.

And Money McBags hasn’t just tried to titillate and inform, but he has created an entirely new style of writing on the internet where he has flipped the Gawker model on it’s head by inserting funny/odd stories in to the actual text of his column (usually with the subtlety and panache of an Andrea Musser jail visit) instead of the much easier and lazier practice of posting a funny/odd story and riffing on that.

And the thing is Money McBags has had no editors, no fact checkers, no substitutes, no co-authors, no class, and no real input from anyone as to what he should write about in his columns.  He’s just a guy who sat in his dining room all day by himself dick joking and assfucking the market like the sweet little vixen that it is and hoping people would find it funny and interesting and come back for more.  It was like walking a fucking tight rope everyday with the wind blowing stronger than Kelly Madison in a MILF Hunter video as before he posted them, Money McBags had absolutely no idea if his daily columns would fall flat on their proverbial faces.

Money McBags could keep tooting his own horn, but he will digress because as any good analyst knows, one can’t be as backward looking as a politician.  Most importantly, this is not a sad time as Money McBags is going to work for what he considers to be one of the top hedge funds on the Street.  Honestly, if you were to ask Money McBags what three hedge funds he would want to work for, this fund would be one, two, and three.  Shit, Money McBags can’t believe that they were not only hiring, but that he made it through 400+ resumes, five rounds of interviews, two write-ups, and a full colonoscopy (though that last one was just for fun).  More than anything though, after making the final round of interviews for every fucking fund he found that was hiring only to be shitcanned at the end as most funds are gaping vaginas and decide to take the safe route and give the offer to the “employed guy coming from the bigger fund”, Money McBags is glad this fund judged him for the content of his content and not the off-coloredness of his spin.

But it is truly an amazing country we live in (as opposed to a delicious cunt tree) where a simple guy with a love of investing can go from writing dick jokes in his dining room one day to investing millions at a time the next day as one of a handful of investment professionals at a fund with several billion dollars (and yes, that is what is happening.  You all know how hedge funds work so do the math on that and understand why Money McBags can’t turn this down.  And yes, Money McBags will be performing the same exact equity research he wrote here for free, only now he will be investing $10MM+ at a time in these names.  It is stranger than Liz Taylor’s eyebrows or the B(L)S’ birth-death model and Money McBags can’t figure out if he is now more Horatio Alger or Walter fucking Mitty, but he hopes more the former than the later).

And the most bizarre thing is that while Money McBags’ job search had for months been barer than the Sahara desert or the Shannon sisters on Hef’s birthday, in a 24 hour span the other week, several other opportunities came back as positive, including one very outside the box (and if it had been outside of Rosie Jones‘ box, perhaps he would have accepted it).

Anyway, Money McBags doesn’t know what the future will hold for the award winning When Genius Prevailed.  He is not starting his new job for another few weeks and he intended to write new columns until then but after taking a vacation last week to celebrate finally having income again and being able to eat and breathe, he realized that he needs some time off to get re-energized as writing this column has left him more mentally drained than Terry Schiavio or Michelle Bachman.  He puts everything he has in to every column he writes as he always wants his next one to be the best one and thus he places unbelievable pressure on himself to deliver insightful analysis, original dick jokes, and new need to know information every fucking day and that is more taxing than Belgium.

Here’s an exercise for all of you.  Now here’s another one, sit down today, look at your blank screen, and then try to come up with ~2k words on the market that will be funny, informative, and get people to come back for more.  Now do this just about everyday the market is open for 1.5 years.  It is absolutely grueling, and Money McBags was literally spending 8-10 hours a day on each column (in addition to looking for a job for 5 to 6 hours), so he needs some him time.  That said, there was nothing more rewarding than finishing a daily column and knowing that some random person in the world would now be more familiar with the cockposterous way the Fed has been managing the US ponzeconomy™ or the long-term viability Alice Eve‘s best assets.

Right now, all Money McBags knows is that the daily column will unfortunately die, as will any kind of detailed individual company research, but he would still like to put out a weekend macro round up if time permits and may just turn to twitter during the day for quick bits of goodness.  A weekly webisode is still an option too, but it is too early to tell.  Money McBags will know more in a couple of months as he get re-acclimated to wearing pants during the day and using his slave name, but he will be checking his email indefinitely (moneymcbags@gmail.com) and is always happy to continue to interact with readers.

To the CEOs Money McBags has talked with both on and off the record, Money McBags appreciates all of your help and next time you are at a conference and some guy asks a really cocktacular question, look next to that guy for a dude thoroughly engrossed in his iPhone and that will be Money McBags furiously donating to charity.

To the portfolio managers who ping Money McBags on email all day long, the freebies are now over.  Sorry, you all had your chance to hire Money McBags (and for cheap too) but he’ll be sure to not say hi when he runs in to you at conferences.

To the readers, well, Money McBags couldn’t have done any of this without you.  And even though he usually ends that line with a “well he could have, but it wouldn’t have been as fun,” that simply is not true.  It has been a shitriffic last year and a half for Money McBags and without this daily column pushing him to stay sharp and forcing him to put out good analysis, his career likely would have been deader than Bernie Madoff’s trading desk.  And without you readers continuing to come to the award winning When Genius Prevailed or seeking Money McBags out on Zerohedge and letting him know you liked a joke of his or some piece of analysis he did, he’s not sure that he would have been able to keep at it.  So a sincere thank you to those of you who powered through Money McBags’ thoughts on the Fed and small cap stocks everyday (even if it was just to get another glimpse at Jessica Pare), he has much love for your time and dignity.

While a famous bard once wrote that “parting is such sweet sorrow,” that bard obviously never parted any of Kelly Brook‘s orifices (or is it orifi?) and thus parting is not necessarily a sad time, rather it is a very joyous occasion because Money McBags will now have a shit ton of resources and millions of dollars to put behind his ideas, so for one final time, jizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

It’s hard to say goodbye, and Money McBags hopes to be back in some form later on so check back for details, but for now he is going to gently ride off in to the sunset as genius has finally prevailed.

To the fucking pain, loyal readers, to the fucking pain,

Money McBags

3/21/11 Update: Still on Hi-anus

Hi-anus, hiatus.  Potato, puhtatao.  The point is Money McBags is still going to be away for a bit, and trust him, this hurts him more than a purple nurple from Janet Yellen (though one should ask Dick Fisher for the exact details).  There is a slim chance Money McBags will be back with a column on Tuesday or Wednesday, but there is also a slim chance WGO is worth more than $7.50 or Brooklyn Decker is fellating Money McBags as he types this, so just hang in there for a few more days.

Once again, Money McBags apologizes to his loyal readers for this break in the action.  He’d really like to pontificate on the bombing of Libya (and Money McBags hears the allies will bomb worse than the Situation at the Trump Roast, or Money McBags on the phone with CRUS’s CEO), the supposed stabilization of Japanese nuclear reactors (and Money McBags hears they are about as stable as Francium or Lindsay Lohan‘s career), or the Big East eating more dick in the NCAA tournament than Nina Hartley in the 1980s.  Unfortunately, he is in a bit of a fire drill and just doesn’t have the bandwidth.

As always, if you have quick questions, Money McBags can be reached at moneymcbags@gmail.com, but as always, please, no cock shots.

Economic Update: Market tells the economy “we don’t need no stinking jobs”

To the tick tock and the market doesn’t stop, as even though the jobs report continued to color the economy bad, the shit awful numbers signal that Benny B is going to come in and sex the market up with QE2, so rally on my friends, rally fucking on (and yes, the rally makes about as much sense as Money McBags’ using a shitacular 1990s song for an extended metaphor, but alas, not every analogy on the award winning When Genius Prevailed can end with Taylor Rain going 5-hole, or can it?).

The point is that taking the promise of QE2 out of the equation, the jobs report was not just worse than analysts guessed (and as always, Money McBags cares what analysts guess about as much as he cares about the Tony Awards, Kathy Griffin‘s sex life, or the 69th decimal of pi (which for the record is 6) because their models are fatter tailed and more outdated than Jessica Simpson’s jeans), and didn’t just feature another revised worse number from last month (53k job losses are now 57k), but in absolute terms it was about as positive as a Bea Arthur pregnancy test (and not because she is dead and thus has no uterus, but because she was a man).

Some of the high/lowlights include:

1.  Only 64k private sector jobs were created, of which 17k were temporary.

2.  159k government jobs were lost and while people may want to ignore the 77k lost census jobs (though as far as Money McBags can tell, that does mean 77k more people will be looking for work, but whatever), they can’t ignore that 76k+ job losses were full time teachers, meter maids, and glory hole procurers.  Look, this is a big fucking problem that we have seen for 3 months now as state and local governments are starting to go more bankrupt than John Edwards’ morals.  As the lovely Meredith Whitney recently warned (and Meredith, when you read this, just know that Money McBags would be happy to get you in a reverse power bomb if that is what you are in to because as always he finds you delightful), the federal government may need to bail out state and local governments in the next twelve months which is really going to be some shit.

3.  The unemployment rate fell by .1% to 9.6% as a result of the usual funky math, but the more important rate, which includes people who have stopped looking for work as they have become more discouraged than Gilgamesh or Tina Yothers‘ agent (which is 1.2MM people, up 500k from last year) and people who have taken part-time jobs as filing clerks, tour guides, and jizz moppers because they can’t find full time work, rose to 17.1% from 16.7%.  So look to the house on your right, look to the one on your left, and then look to the ones in front of and behind you and if they are not all vacant due to having been foreclosed upon, statistically one of them (including you) has an unemployed/underemployed person in it.

4.  Along those same lines, part time workers were up 612k to 9.5MM and are now up 943k in the last two months because people either had their hours cut back, couldn’t find full time jobs and had to settle, or decided they would rather work fewer hours so they could have enough time at home to fully digest the Karissa Shannon sex tape.

5.  The B(L)S (and as regular readers know, the L is in parentheses because it is silent) birth/death model which is a bigger black box than that of Nyomi Banxxx surprisingly only somehow added 11k jobs to the numbers (and the B(L)S says that number isn’t additive, but know that it does something to make the numbers look slightly better, like putting lipstick on a pig or a piece of lettuce on a shit sandwich).

To spare you the boredom, Money McBags went through the actual jobs report release, including the detailed B(L)S Table B, and broke out the data:

Government Jobs Change in Jobs #
Census Workers (77,000)
Govt Temp/Full-time Plug (76,000)
Plug (6,000)
Total Govt (159,000)
Permanent Private Sector Jobs
Financial Servives (1,000)
Other 7,000
Professional Services (2,900)
Information (5,000)
Transportation 9,600
Retail trade 5,700
Wholesale Trade 2,200
Education and Healthcare 17,000
Leisure and Hospitaility 38,000
Mining 5,000
Manufacturing (6,000)
Construction (21,000)
Plug (1,500)
Total Permanent Private Sector 47,100
Temporary Private Sector Jobs 16,900
Total Headline Jobs # (95,000)
Birth/Death Model Plug 11,000
Actual Jobs # (95,000) to (116,000)

So in September, 95k+ jobs were destroyed (depending on how you want to handle the birth/death model) and Money McBags just checked his long run Phillips Curve (which was nowhere near as interesting as Tara Phillips’ curves) and determined that we only need another negative 70 months like this (because multiplying a negative by a negative gets us a positive) before we are back to some Milton Friedman-esque acceptable Keynesian NAIRU for a healthy economy so as soon as we get that fucking flux capacitor fixed in the DeLorean and transport everyone back to 2004, everything will be ok.

The most troubling part of all of this is that even if one wants to discount government job losses (though why one would want to do that is as confusing to Money McBags as the existence of dark matter, Thomas Pynchon novels, or mullets), the economy needs to add ~110k private sector jobs per month just to handle all of the illegal immigrants and snotty college kids joining the labor force so at the current pace of 64k jobs added per month (-11kish for the birth/death model plug), the economy is as fucked as Larry Craig in a bathroom stall (both literally and figuratively).

But hey, the market and all of the HFTs who provide >50% of the liquidity don’t give a shit about any of that because now QE2 is as certain as death or taxes (well at least for 53% of Americans on the last one) and as long as the US keeps devaluing the dollar and buying assets, nothing bad can happen, just ask Japan (but make sure you don’t bring an interpreter because you may not want to hear the answer).